Many people use Twelve Step Programs to recover from addictions. I have recently begun to wonder if they might be applied to recovering from Narcissistic Lovers. The third step is crucial to recovery. It is an uncomplicated request, all things being equal. It only asks for willingness to believe that one’s sanity can be restored, it doesn’t demand it. Freedom from anything that restricts us begins with the desire to be free.

I completely understand that part of my struggle has a lot to do with releasing the past, accepting my human foibles and moving on. The 12 Step program is a sequential process that disallows advancement to the next step before completing the step before. This causes me to dwell on willingness. How does one become willing to become willing to be happy?

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My Narcissist’s father was the leading story in the local news on Monday.  He won the Nobel for Economics. Congratulations to him! I know this man well. He’s delighted me with many imaginative conversations and we celebrated holidays and birthdays together while I was in a relationship with his Narcissistic son.

Over the years, my partner’s father became like a surrogate father to me.  My Narcissist’s father is a great man who has, gratefully, been acknowledged for his life’s work before dying.  His inherent humility during the telephone interview I listened to and the video I watched was characteristic of the wonderful man I had come to know and love.  His is a gentle soul who has endured so much in his life.  He escaped Nazi persecution and came to our country from Poland with $25 and a will to survive who has forged a path to extraordinary recognition among his peers.

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Tonight’s reflection regards obsession. I learned my Narcissist’s chosen spiritual path was Scientology when I became exasperated with his definition for the word evaluation. Because I felt it would improve our interactions, I was compelled to learn more about Scientology. As I began to study, I found many interesting concepts which I still embrace and apply. For the record, I am not a Scientologist.

It is a well known fact that Scientology’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard, redefined many common words for his new religion. There is a PDF version of Scientology’s Tech Dictionary that I’ve perused over the past 5 years. In that text, the word obsession is defined as returning motion on something where there has been too much motion thrown at the individual on that subject. Generally, emotion is classified as energy with mass that has motion.

The emotional abuse my Narcissist inflicted on me was very subtle at first. I knew something was wrong but it was impossible to isolate the problem. When I realized how he was affecting me, my first impressions about him kept me from believing he could be so cavalier about the havoc he was wreaking in our relationship. As his negative reviews of me increased in frequency and force, I became obsessed with defending myself. It felt necessary to return that motion which was overwhelming me with doubt about who I was.

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My Narcissist used to describe a skill he had learned when he studied something called Polarity Therapy. He said it was necessary to empty himself emotionally in order to empathize with another and remove their pain. He claimed to have super awareness of everything that was being emoted in his presence, so much so that he lost himself at times when he was in a room full of people absorbing all their emotions. While we dated, he made several references to the ways in which he changed while he was with me. Was he an emotional shape shifter who, like a chameleon, adapted to obtain his Narcissistic supply?

The paradox of his opinion about himself is, of course, lost on him. I juxtapose this reflection about the empathetic being he describes himself as with the demon who stood on my driveway and raged at me on the day of my mother’s funeral when I was alone and completely defenseless against him. Even if we set aside the fact that he and I had been in a romantically intimate relationship for years, can a highly empathic person be capable of inflicting such extreme emotional abuse at such an emotionally critical time? I doubt he has any empathy whatsoever. His purpose was clear … he timed it perfectly.

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A Narcissist wants their victims to feel insecure in a relationship for this increases their feeling of being powerful.  They will go to any lengths to acquire and keep control, diverting  negative attention from themselves and deflecting it onto those whom they rely upon for Narcissistic supply.  One method of going about this is to create an environment where the victim is constantly questioning their own motives and afraid to point out ways in which their own needs are not being met in the relationship. 

During our last conversation, when I finally was at my wits end and demanded an apology from him, he said he had nothing to apologize for and added a commentary about my need to learn to make others more important than myself.  Translated, this means he was expecting me to continue to place his needs above my own  and forget the abusive things he had done.  Yet, I continue to reflect on his criticism, weighing in my own mind’s eye whether or not there is any credence which ought to be lent to it for this is my way.  Analytically, I know he is capable of using anything he can to not accept responsibility for what he did to me on the day of Mom’s funeral.  I reflect because my heart still wants to believe he isn’t a monster.

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So many people who cared about me shared very negative opinions about my former beau, many describing him as a bum or a loser. After the event of my mother’s funeral, he told me he was afraid of everyone. In an attempt to appreciate his point of view, I sometimes wonder which would be worse … being known as a loser or knowing you are a coward?

The Narcissist becomes a bully when they fear being found out. Normally these people are charming as well as intelligent so a sudden and unexpected cruelty can flummox the strongest being. When a Narcissist is forced to look inside, they become fearful and react. They know the reflection is not becoming. They will always lash out at their accuser. There were times with this man when I had made no accusations nor issued any complaints and I still found myself in the line of fire because he claimed his vast awareness caused him to sense what I was feeling and choosing to not say. He was afraid of being found out. Read More »

I heard a song by the Dixie Chicks which was written for a different purpose.  The refrain haunts me for their sentiments mirror my feelings.  

They sing:

“I’m not ready to make nice.  I’m not ready to back down ‘cuz I’m mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round.  It’s too late to make it right, wouldn’t do it if I could.  ‘Cuz I’m mad as hell and I don’t have time to do what it is you think I should.”

Conventional wisdom is to let it go and move on.  What is there to let go?  When the partner with whom you’ve been walking on the path changes course and doesn’t provide information you need to have to make informed choices about your own well being, it casts doubt on your ability to make any choice and standing still seems best. Read More »

Clear communication is the basis of any successful relationship.  There will be misunderstandings along the way but, when this happens, it is important to talk things over with the other person involved, especially when there is romance and intimacy involved.  If your partner is incapable of having a constructive conversation with you and you know you aren’t being overly critical and only asking for consideration you yourself would give, you may be involved with a Narcissist.

A Narcissist in romance, whether you are married to them or not, has learned your most personal secrets and has no qualms about using any of this carefully gathered information as a tool to deflect you from learning more or to make you feel inferior to them.  Their game is to keep you off balance and walking on egg shells. Read More »