It was suggested to me by a friend that writing this post would be ‘cathartic’ for me.  I am not sure I agree, but ‘friend’ is not a word I use lightly, and so as friends go, so goes my nation.  I’m not even sure that my narcissist is a narcissist, as opposed to your average garden variety sociopath.  I know my friend thinks that my getting this out will help me to deal with the ‘hurt,’ but I’ve written it before, and the few people who have actually been privileged enough to read the story have even served as the vindication I craved.  But it didn’t ease the hurt, and it didn’t stop it either.

Unlike a ‘romantic’ or ‘friendship’ relationship where someone can elect to just remove themselves from the the offending narcissist, or sociopath, in my particular case, it’s someone I am not so easily able to distance myself from.  My own mother.

I’ve written, and told, the story so many times, that I’m sick of hearing it and reading it and even thinking about it in my own head.  All the vindication in the world really doesn’t help, because she can blow off whatever anyone says about her actions, by refusing to actually present her own side, and then leveraging the fact that no one knows her side to ‘dismiss’ what people think of the things she does.

In my lifelong search to reconcile the maternal card the Universe dealt me, I’ve become an amateur/professional student of psychology, yet, I’m not all that sure if she would even meet the criteria for the title.  I understand that Narcissists appear to be in love with themselves, and that it comes from an actual self-loathing.

As a sociopath, she is a master of manipulation.  She projects a false portrayal of herself as ignorantly humble, when she wants people to do something for her, and then, when they have done it, does a complete 180 and adopts an air of ‘superority,’ towards them and about them, to make it seem as though since they are ‘beneath’ her, they ‘owed’ it to her to do those things for her, and no one did her any ‘favors’ that they should ever ask her to return.  She does this so that she can ‘get for nothing,’ and then get again in ‘return’ for a ‘favor’ that should have been ‘returned’ to begin with, had it not been for her refusal to ‘recognize’ the ‘favor’ that had been done for her.

Just trying to wrap my head around these ‘circular’ thought process is exhausting.  With me, she withholds ‘love’ like a master withholding a treat from a dog until the dog performs the trick the master desires.  But unlike an intelligent animal trainer, even when the trick is performed, it is never good enough.  This givies her leave to keep hold of the treat to make the dog keep trying to ‘earn’ it’s reward by performing an endless series of ‘tricks.’

And so there it is.  Narcissist or not, I don’t know.  Sociopath I’m pretty sure, however, is accurate.  She projects her own ‘failures’ onto me to make her feel superior to me to find an excuse to justify the emotional blackmail she uses to ‘extort’ whatever she wants from me, while never giving me anything, not even a mother’s love for her child, in return, so that she may continue to extort, and take, without every ‘giving’ back.

What do you think?  Is my mother a Narcissist?