Tonight’s reflection regards obsession. I learned my Narcissist’s chosen spiritual path was Scientology when I became exasperated with his definition for the word evaluation. Because I felt it would improve our interactions, I was compelled to learn more about Scientology. As I began to study, I found many interesting concepts which I still embrace and apply. For the record, I am not a Scientologist.

It is a well known fact that Scientology’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard, redefined many common words for his new religion. There is a PDF version of Scientology’s Tech Dictionary that I’ve perused over the past 5 years. In that text, the word obsession is defined as returning motion on something where there has been too much motion thrown at the individual on that subject. Generally, emotion is classified as energy with mass that has motion.

The emotional abuse my Narcissist inflicted on me was very subtle at first. I knew something was wrong but it was impossible to isolate the problem. When I realized how he was affecting me, my first impressions about him kept me from believing he could be so cavalier about the havoc he was wreaking in our relationship. As his negative reviews of me increased in frequency and force, I became obsessed with defending myself. It felt necessary to return that motion which was overwhelming me with doubt about who I was.

The uncertainty he created persists long after the fact of his emotional abuse. The bruises to my soul are real. It has affected my productivity at work and caused me to experience a debilitating depression. I feel like an animal howling at the moon when I find myself spending hours writing email messages to him he will never receive, demanding that reason prevail and bring justice to me. I tell him he forgot who I was or projected someone else onto me. I know this is the part of me who remains obsessed with believing he is not lacking in character … the part of me who wants to believe I couldn’t have knowingly made such a bad choice in love.

Society doesn’t really acknowledge emotional abuse in romantic relationships. If a woman isn’t sporting black eyes or broken bones, she is considered “foolish” for remaining in an unhappy situation. If she tries to explain what she is feeling to others, she is told it is a misunderstanding and it’s normal. If you value their opinions also, your sense of self doubt increases with time. Eventually your focus shifts from what you want and need to what he says is important for him to remain in a relationships and you begin to change yourself so you to keep the love you have found. You call it progress … he calls it winning.

Although adapting to improve a relationship isn’t inherently bad, no change will ever make you good enough for a Narcissist. Society can’t comprehend the effects caused by the systematic unraveling of a being’s self worth through insults, rejection, isolation, bullying and emotional blackmail. Where love exists, society teaches us that seeking to understand is better than seeking to be understood. I accepted all his criticisms and internalized them for years without knowing that was what I was doing. Because of the way I had changed for him, my center of balance was lost. Ultimately, I lost the me I used to know.

My obsession used to be gaining an understanding of him. In present time, my obsession is wanting to be able to feel what I once knew I could feel. I want to know joy again. I want to know that I am capable of both loving and being loved.