Many people use Twelve Step Programs to recover from addictions. I have recently begun to wonder if they might be applied to recovering from Narcissistic Lovers. The third step is crucial to recovery. It is an uncomplicated request, all things being equal. It only asks for willingness to believe that one’s sanity can be restored, it doesn’t demand it. Freedom from anything that restricts us begins with the desire to be free.

I completely understand that part of my struggle has a lot to do with releasing the past, accepting my human foibles and moving on. The 12 Step program is a sequential process that disallows advancement to the next step before completing the step before. This causes me to dwell on willingness. How does one become willing to become willing to be happy?


Happiness is a desirable state of being. Frequently, when we are caught up in happiness, we fail to memorize the moment so we may have it in reserve for less happy times. This has never been the case with me for my young life taught me the fleeting nature of happiness. In this phase of my life, wanting to retain the happy memories I have about my relationship only seems to bring pain. Not because I miss him but because he systematically destroyed my belief these joy filled experiences were real. It’s quite something to have one’s reality disassembled by emotional abuse of this degree. It was an absolutely soul shattering experience.

So I consider the harm of spiritual death. My spirit cries to feel free again. At times, she sneaks out of her cage and enlivens those in her presence who claim they have been blessed by her enlightened perspective. The spontaneity of those moments is never contrived for praise but I must admit my self esteem is buoyed upward when people say things like this. Then I return to my home, the place that became ground zero during my trial of fire with a malignant Narcissist. Every inch of this house is fraught with memories of him, both pleasant and awful. While I live here, I cannot seem to find happiness.

In Scientology, The Two Rules for a Happy Life are:

1. Be able to experience anything
2. Cause only those things others can experience easily

This sounds simple enough. In fact, it is the Golden Rule. But, as with all things to do with Scientology, a dilettante can pervert the philosophy’s good intentions. The effects created by my Narcissistic partner were not easily experienced by me, especially the experience that was caused by his betrayal on the day of my mother’s funeral. Scientology, as practiced by my former beau, was selectively applied. And yet, he gets to be happy.