Clear communication is the basis of any successful relationship.  There will be misunderstandings along the way but, when this happens, it is important to talk things over with the other person involved, especially when there is romance and intimacy involved.  If your partner is incapable of having a constructive conversation with you and you know you aren’t being overly critical and only asking for consideration you yourself would give, you may be involved with a Narcissist.

A Narcissist in romance, whether you are married to them or not, has learned your most personal secrets and has no qualms about using any of this carefully gathered information as a tool to deflect you from learning more or to make you feel inferior to them.  Their game is to keep you off balance and walking on egg shells.

When their twisted logic and lies don’t work on you anymore and you begin to protest, they’ll probably wind up abandoning you for someone less aware so they can be admired anew.  If you’re lucky, they’ll move on quickly.  If your Narcissistic partner is really cruel, they’ll lead you on for months so they can eke out all the admiration you have to give them.  Love teaches us to be tolerant and forgive so it takes a while to see what really is in front of you.

I caution you to not do what I did and hold out for an explanation from them about what has changed.  That level of responsibility doesn’t exist for a person who only is concerned about themselves.  Even though they demand compliance with their every wish, they won’t feel obligated to explain themselves to you and will go to great lengths to leave you feeling to blame for all the turmoil in your relationship.  Because you are in love, you you’ll take the blame so you can have peace again.

I am recovering from Narcissistic abuse, the effects of which threw me into a major depression with effects that are only now abating.  If you’re reading this page, you are either recovering from or questioning what others are saying about the relationship you are in.  When you love someone, you want to believe in them, even when the things they say fly in the face of everything you know about relationships or yourself.

If you are distancing yourself from friends who have been criticizing your lover and telling you to leave them, you are already in danger because you will be isolated when your reality falls apart. Like a cornered animal, a Narcissist who fears discovery will become vicious.  The most damaging effects will never be seen for emotional abuse leaves no visible scars.

The peaks and valleys of the roller coaster ride will leave you nauseous.  What’s happened has caused you to question your ability to make good choices.  What you need to realize is a Narcissist knows you will do anything to improve the relationship you want and, like a court jester, will use sarcasm and ridicule to obfuscate the the truth of their insults.

It’s a game to them and the only way to win is not to play.  When the dust settles and you’ve had some time to consider all that has changed, the first order of business is to forgive yourself and find out who you’ve become. This will take some time and perhaps even therapy.

I’d like to share a poem I wrote over a year after my relationship ended called Didn’t Know.  It seems like a good place to begin.