I’ve been pondering my attachment to the past a lot recently.  The last of my belongings from my former home were delivered last week.  It was a long time coming and I opened each box with anticipation, looking for certain items that I was sure would be there.  Alas, two treasured books were missing … and I mourn them.

Through the twists and turns my life has taken since 2006, I’ve experienced a lot of loss.  One would think that it would get easier to shrug it off but the memory of these things, and the loss of them now realized, sort of makes me sad.

Music is one of the things that we all enjoy.  Yesterday, a friend of mine sent along a link to this great old blues song by Annie Ross.  It seemed appropriate to share with my readers.  Enjoy!

Another year has passed, according to the anniversary of my birth.  As I assess my life’s condition, I can’t help measuring what is as it relates to what was.

“The past is our definition. we may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.” ~ Wendell Berry

What is better?  The last time that I declared to myself that my life would be better by allowing time for a relationship, my desired reality seemed to manifest.  When I met my former beau,  I thought my dreams had come true.  But they hadn’t.  The reflection of love in that fun house mirror was distorted and ugly at the end.  And the transition from joyful serenity to anxious un-joy was so … abrupt.

Ever curious about where my visitors come from, I review statistics that tell me what searches have helped people find The Legendary Narcissist website.  Today, I noticed that someone had searched for an answer to the question, “How can a narcissist fake love for so long?”

As I pondered my own circumstances, I remembered wondering the same thing.  My narcissistic ex was proficient at creating a feeling of love that seemed so real to me.  Over the course of time since that relationship ended, I determined that he could not ever have loved me.  But, the fact remained, I loved him.

Consider the narcissist as an actor.  They thrive on admiration so they select an audience that fulfills their need.  As good actors do, they draw from the audience to create a reality that is believable and we, as the audience, become engaged with the story and empathize with the characters in that script.  But we don’t know it is an act at the time for our hearts are ruling our heads.

All of the stories that my readers have so generously shared at this site have been heart-wrenching to read.  The demonic behavior of Narcissistic people in our lives can shatter every belief we’ve ever had about Love.

Eventually, we all begin to seek answers so we can heal.  This is the core of human-ness that causes us to want more than mere survival.  Transformation and recovery from a Narcissistic Relationship takes courage … and belief.

In self-dialogue, I frequently hear my questions about what it is that I’m searching for now.  It isn’t a person, place or thing.  It is this:

The belief in life that I had in youth
The belief that I can make a difference
The belief in happy endings

And there you have it … the quest for a happy ending.

Change is inevitable … Progress is optional.

~Jack Welch

This is a statement not only about business, but also about life’s ups and downs. Wholeheartedly, it is my belief that it isn’t what happens to us that matters most, it is how we respond to things that have happened, especially if the circumstances are qualitatively negative.

As I struggle with my own version of the annual Holiday Blahs, I’m also working out ways to overcome them. It isn’t worth the time wasted to slip into a funk that permeates the atmosphere of joy for the loved ones who now surround me and it’s  too much work to fake it.

The only alternative is to change my viewpoint.  Even if there were no others for me to affect, switching my focus to a more positive view is essential for me to reassemble my life.

A pearl of wisdom was delivered while watching the thought provoking movie, The Matrix, last night.  I don’t recall the exact scene, but the words caught my attention. They went something like this:

You must choose between the past that lies before
and the past that lies ahead

It’s that time of year again.  We’re supposed to be festive and joyful.  Our families and friends bring us close and we’re all cheery, right?

I recognize that attitude is everything.  Every day I have a choice about how I respond to stimuli in my environment.  I can choose to meander off into emotional gloom or sunshine .  Aside from the holidays, it is very easy to flush my feelings of disappointment down the drain and recenter my inner peace.

It could be the fact that a friend of mine died suddenly just before Thanksgiving.  She was younger than me.  It could be that her death reminds me of unaccomplished dreams and goals in my life.  It could be that I miss my mother … whose death and funeral memories are all tangled up in the final betrayal that I experienced at the hands of a Narcissist.

Although I take full responsibility for every choice that has brought me to the life that I know today, I continue to stumble over the hurdle labeled acceptance.  Accepting responsibility for one’s part in a drama is very different than accepting the disappointment that resulted from those decisions.