Browsing Posts in Observation
I’m a big fan of Garrison Keillor’s Prairie Home Companion show. There is a segment of each broadcast entitled News from Lake Wobegon, wherein Garrison pokes fun at Minnesota styles and behaviors. Similar to Monty Python’s jesting about the Masons, Lake Wobegon news pokes fun at religious sects.
This week’s program was live from the Minnesota State Fair. This is an annual program that I truly enjoy because it is a great fair and, by reports from folks in other parts of the USA, perhaps one of the largest in the entire country. During the Lake Wobegon portion of the show this week, Garrison Keillor explained the reasons why someone should not hire Lutherans (I’m just paraphrasing and truly do not mean to disrespect to any Lutherans among my readership!) as competition judges at the fair in his segment of the show. He said:
It’s in scripture! The last shall be first, the first shall be last.
As we learn more about Narcissists and NPD, we sometimes come to realize that the most recent experience we are reeling from is not the ONLY experience we’ve had in our lives. While we can itemize the things to look out for and ways to extricate these emotional vampires from our sphere, it may be equally important to look into our own souls and discover what it is about us that continues to attract these aberrated people. Allow me to share some observations that I’ve made about my style for your self-consideration as you continue on your own journey back to the lightness that once was your life.
In a recent discussion, a friend of mine opined about my Narcissist. I heard myself saying that, if he was such a loser, why did his life appear to be going along so much better than mine. And, since saying that, I’ve heard a similar thought from another soul who reads my blog. They opined that the good guys do finish last. I have to say, this resonated with me. So the question of the day is: What is success?
It’s plain in retrospect my Narcissist is a thoughtless and empty shell whose only concern is his own satisfaction and gain at any cost. Clearly, this has worked for him all his life. Even though it seemed unconventional given his age when we met, he explained that he lived off his parents because he was an artist and inventor. I later learned he established relationships with women in his youth so he could live rent free which made me feel uncomfortable.
Many people use Twelve Step Programs to recover from addictions. I have recently begun to wonder if they might be applied to recovering from Narcissistic Lovers. The third step is crucial to recovery. It is an uncomplicated request, all things being equal. It only asks for willingness to believe that one’s sanity can be restored, it doesn’t demand it. Freedom from anything that restricts us begins with the desire to be free.
I completely understand that part of my struggle has a lot to do with releasing the past, accepting my human foibles and moving on. The 12 Step program is a sequential process that disallows advancement to the next step before completing the step before. This causes me to dwell on willingness. How does one become willing to become willing to be happy?
My Narcissist’s father was the leading story in the local news on Monday. He won the Nobel for Economics. Congratulations to him! I know this man well. He’s delighted me with many imaginative conversations and we celebrated holidays and birthdays together while I was in a relationship with his Narcissistic son.
Over the years, my partner’s father became like a surrogate father to me. My Narcissist’s father is a great man who has, gratefully, been acknowledged for his life’s work before dying. His inherent humility during the telephone interview I listened to and the video I watched was characteristic of the wonderful man I had come to know and love. His is a gentle soul who has endured so much in his life. He escaped Nazi persecution and came to our country from Poland with $25 and a will to survive who has forged a path to extraordinary recognition among his peers.
Tonight’s reflection regards obsession. I learned my Narcissist’s chosen spiritual path was Scientology when I became exasperated with his definition for the word evaluation. Because I felt it would improve our interactions, I was compelled to learn more about Scientology. As I began to study, I found many interesting concepts which I still embrace and apply. For the record, I am not a Scientologist.
It is a well known fact that Scientology’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard, redefined many common words for his new religion. There is a PDF version of Scientology’s Tech Dictionary that I’ve perused over the past 5 years. In that text, the word obsession is defined as returning motion on something where there has been too much motion thrown at the individual on that subject. Generally, emotion is classified as energy with mass that has motion.
The emotional abuse my Narcissist inflicted on me was very subtle at first. I knew something was wrong but it was impossible to isolate the problem. When I realized how he was affecting me, my first impressions about him kept me from believing he could be so cavalier about the havoc he was wreaking in our relationship. As his negative reviews of me increased in frequency and force, I became obsessed with defending myself. It felt necessary to return that motion which was overwhelming me with doubt about who I was.
