As we learn more about Narcissists and NPD, we sometimes come to realize that the most recent experience we are reeling from is not the ONLY experience we’ve had in our lives.  While we can itemize the things to look out for and ways to extricate these emotional vampires from our sphere, it may be equally important to look into our own souls and discover what it is about us that continues to attract these aberrated people.  Allow me to share some observations that I’ve made about my style for your self-consideration as you continue on your own journey back to the lightness that once was your life.

Reviewing some of the search terms that got people to this site, I found this topic.  I believe it to be of general interest but not for the most obvious reasons.

I feel that it is necessary to re-cap a few facts that I’ve learned about Narcissists.  Narcissists are not easy to profile because they do not seek therapy.  Thus, they are a segment of humanity which we are becoming more aware of who cannot be easily identified.  From the comments on this blog, I’m aware that what I’m writing is hitting home, even though most of what I’ve written here is based on my own experiences and observations.

I visited the San Diego Zoo for my birthday this year.  While my friend and I were looking on at the Flamingos, something unusual happened.  All of their heads shot up at once.  Their alarm was obvious.  I commented to my friend that their behavior was strange as they began to squawk and pace about in their habitat.

My friend suggested that it might be their feeding time so we meandered up the path a bit and stood on a small bridge over where their food would be delivered.  When my friend answered that the bridge didn’t normally sway, I knew we were in an earthquake.  It was a fairly sizable one, at that, and it lasted for nearly a minute.

The Holiday blahs have certainly affected me today.  There was a season when hope was still in my vocabulary and all things seemed possible.  At the time, I had no idea it was a false promise from a Narcissist.

Love is what we are told we need.  Attachment is the downfall of loving, I guess.  But I don’t know how one thing works without the other … and I’ve never seen both work together.  The paradox of that confounds me.

In the movie, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, there was technology that wiped out the memories of love.  I sometimes wish that it existed.  But I have discovered another clue into why my soul cannot seem to leave the horror of my abusive partner’s betrayal behind.  I’m quite certain that he would be entirely off my radar by now if I had not been so traumatized by him.

While returning from an outing with my San Diego family last month, I marveled at the full moon which glowed like a beacon from above.  I was a passenger, so staring at the orb was not a safety hazard.

I began singing the same song that always comes to mind when I’m looking at a full moon.  When I was asked what song it was that I was singing, I drifted back in time to a quiet country road in Wisconsin where I rode along gazing at a similarly impressive moon and sang that same song during easier times.  Like my fellow passengers tonight, my former beau had inquired about the song they had never heard before.

In a recent discussion, a friend of mine opined about my Narcissist. I heard myself saying that, if he was such a loser, why did his life appear to be going along so much better than mine. And, since saying that, I’ve heard a similar thought from another soul who reads my blog. They opined that the good guys do finish last. I have to say, this resonated with me. So the question of the day is: What is success?

It’s plain in retrospect my Narcissist is a thoughtless and empty shell whose only concern is his own satisfaction and gain at any cost. Clearly, this has worked for him all his life. Even though it seemed unconventional given his age when we met, he explained that he lived off his parents because he was an artist and inventor. I later learned he established relationships with women in his youth so he could live rent free which made me feel uncomfortable.

One of my subscribers has been in correspondence with me over the past several days. As I’ve read these notes, I’ve been reminded of how much havoc can be wreaked by a Narcissist. During one of the notes, they described a feeling of having a crushed soul.

For my subscribers, and especially for the subscriber with whom I’ve been exchanging email recently, I am posting a poem entitled Waves  which I wrote at the beginning of the beginning of my roller coastr ride through hell.

There is no easy way to end a relationship when one partner wants it to continue but Narcissists do have a way of crushing your spirit. A Narcissist is incapable of empathy. Only their feelings matter to them and if you try to make them care about yours, you only are giving them weapons to use as they destroy you.