Another year has passed, according to the anniversary of my birth. As I assess my life’s condition, I can’t help measuring what is as it relates to what was.
“The past is our definition. we may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.” ~ Wendell Berry
What is better? The last time that I declared to myself that my life would be better by allowing time for a relationship, my desired reality seemed to manifest. When I met my former beau, I thought my dreams had come true. But they hadn’t. The reflection of love in that fun house mirror was distorted and ugly at the end. And the transition from joyful serenity to anxious un-joy was so … abrupt.
I keep waiting for joyfulness to return as a constant in my daily life. I know that it is up to me to create that feeling. This makes it seem to be within my grasp, with or without a life partner. This is what I keep telling myself anyway.
But, in a society that defines life wholeness as being part of a couple, is it possible to add something better that excludes couple-ness? As I look back in time, I remember the joyful feeling of knowing that there was a special someone out there who was “my love” and confidanté. I miss that feeling. Yet, remembering it doesn’t occur without being forced to re-examine the pain that I felt when I realized that what I thought was real was not what it seemed to be.
It seems that I have no answers today, merely questions. And so it goes…
On my birthday, a friend called to wish me a happy day. During the course of our discussion, they inquired into my personal relationship status. It seemed like an absurd question to me. Without skipping a beat, I replied that I had no interest in romance yet. As I ponder my truth, I continue to wonder if I ever will.
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