Dragon Heart here. I appreciate the opportunity to be able to contribute to this blog as a guest. I can appreciate where you are all coming from and where you're at. I've been there too. I thought I'd start with posting something I wrote almost 15 years ago when I was frantically searching for answers and had begun to put together a list of what I found. I needed this list so I wouldn't forget and fall for the lie over and over any more.
I called it "What I've Learned About Narcissists So Far" and I'll post it here just as I wrote it then: (thanks for reading, I hope it helps you.)
What I’ve learned about Narcissists so far:
1. In the beginning you’re so important to them, they’re so good to you, charming, etc. you think they’re your soulmate. They promise to be someone who loves you and thinks you are special. They mirror to you your ideal partner/friend/etc.
2. Then they turn the mirror around so that your job – as they define it - is to provide supply for them. If they sense reluctance or you’re getting tired or complain etc. they will turn on the charm to disarm you and keep you in your proper place – as a host.
3. No empathy or compassion = they cannot feel the feelings you feel.
4. At times in rage or frustration or impatience when their supply needs are going unmet you may see their face transform into a hateful, monster-like look so alien and surprising you are caught off guard and are confused or shocked by it. It is as if their craziness shows through.
5. To an N a relationship consists of 4 things ONLY:
(a) Evaluate (make sure you’re supply material),
(b) use, (take without giving, exploit kindness, etc.),
(c) manipulate (to continue usage), and
(d) discard (when they’re done.)
6. Throw away mentality includes people, kids and pets, etc.
7. Often they give weird, clueless, tacky, inappropriate, cheap gifts.
8. They exhibit “Talk Salad”; a term used for the way psychotics throw all sorts of words around mixed up. The N throws key words around without the meaning or the feeling WE know them to mean, e.g. love, close, bond, communicate, promise, change. They learn what words you use when you talk about what you feel, need or want and throw them back to you in a “salad” in a conversation where you heard the key words but you have a confused sense about the conversation and what they really said or meant. They throw words with deep meanings to us around like razors and then charge in like vampires to suck the life energy draining from us.
N’s feel they are Special:
S – special and unique
P – preoccupied with fantasies of their ideal situation
E - entitlement
C – conceited, grandiose self-importance
I - interpersonal exploitation
A – arrogant (haughty)
L – lacks empathy
Being: Seduced, coerced, blackmailed, extorted, tricked, manipulated, used, having your “soul” or be-ing abused, etc. Causes: Resentment, betrayal, self-doubt, guilt, shame, anger. Also causes many symptoms of many “disease” i.e. PTSD. Depression, anxiety, nightmares, negative thinking, distrust of self, life, others, emotional flashbacks, increased neediness, emotional, sensitive, uncertainty, fears. We internalize the injustice done, question self and gut feelings.
Confusion: it doesn’t make sense to you that they cannot relate to love and kindness, you can’t comprehend that love doesn’t work or heal this person, you don’t realize what comes natural to you is not in everyone. We cannot grasp a lack of conscience, we feel what is right/wrong inside of us and assume they do too. Example: They don’t break a law/rule because they don’t like the consequences (jail, losing supply), we don’t break a law/rule because it doesn’t feel right.
MANIPULATION TACTICS (how they get you to give them their N-supply)
• They accuse you of being uncaring or ungrateful if you resist doing what they want and of course, for loving people being unloving is the absolute worst thing to be, we jump to prove how loving we are because we assume they are telling the truth.
• They like vulnerable, needy, giving, shy people that they can use.
• They withhold love, attention, appreciation and being reciprocal which keeps you working hard towards that end, keeps you off balance, needy, etc.
• They distort or invalidate your reality and feelings, you feel crazy.
• They make unfair comparisons, minimize your accomplishments, get angry if your giving anyone else attention (including kids, pets, your hobbies, etc.)
• They get upset if you’re happy.
• You’re made to feel guilty if you’re not meeting their needs or expectations.
• They have you believe that to feel loved or special you have to do what they want and expect.
Misc. statements I can relate to from N-support groups online:
"It does something to your motivation to do it all over again (trust again, work toward your hopes and dreams again)".
"It feels like a part of you dies. It feels like your life has crumbled or was lost, you feel shattered or in shock."
"We believed wholeheartedly something that turned out to be an illusion."
"Recovery is possible, it may take some time You had a blind spot and when you realize you had it and that someone was intentionally working from that place to use you, it can feel devastating. You might feel there is no point to your life now. You might feel now you have to start all over again, now you have to make new dreams and try to live with the reality that the old ones are gone forever. "
"Recovery is a process, it can include being side tracked, relapsing into old behaviors or beliefs, is hard to do alone, can feel like a long road, never-ending, wondering how you’ll ever get back to your “old self”.
"You may feel feelings of grief, anger, pain, loss, hurt, anguished, as you deal with some of the hardest things a person is forced to accept. No matter what you do – they don’t feel your love. We might think they can if only we could give enough. "
"We instinctively know to give love helps people heal – but not the N’s, they are taking it for other reasons and it does nothing for them nor does it make them love us. The rug is pulled out from under you, they don’t love you back, we can’t grasp that rejection because we can’t grasp selfishness, or deliberately using someone while pretending to love them and we didn't know that love does not work with all people. "
"Faith is a difficult thing to maintain after so much major disappointment. We may question life/God/purpose of life, etc. "
"While one is healing there is a tendency to be needy You want to trust but sometimes you have to step back."
"You may jump at any crumb of attention or “love” and are vulnerable Sometimes there are no answers. "
"We had become blind to the one-sidedness of the relationship and always wind up giving far too much and receiving little to nothing. We were blind to deliberate deceptiveness. "
"You’re trying to fight for love, the N is fighting to save and keep his/her supply."
"We have a lot of losses to grieve."
"We may have been distracted and missed out on things or failed to take good care of ourselves."
"We need time to digest all of this."
"It’s difficult to explain it to others."
"It’s as though they’ve blemished our very being. "
"They don’t see the light that shines in us. "
"N’s might be “crazy” or have something wrong with them, something missing, but they can be intelligent, they can look very good on the outside. They are like aliens under cover."
What Can We Do Now?
#1 – Create a network of healthy people
#2 – Actively take care of yourself, treat yourself good, examine what YOU like and realize what you deserve.
#3 – Seek help if you need it
Dealing With The N:
1. Become contrary (do the opposite of what they want, reverse psychology)
2. Refuse quietly or simply rebel
3. Distract them with flattery or praise, (“you’re so good at that”, etc.) and then get away from them
4. If you want them to do something – tell them it hurts your feelings
5. Agree with them and then leave before they get to the destructive stuff (“maybe you’re right”.)
6. Set guidelines, boundaries with consequences – do NOT discuss it
7. Avoid all or most interactions with them
8. Employ emotional insulation (“shields up”) in their presence
9. Become indifferent to them (your face is blank, let your thoughts wander, your thoughts are elsewhere, your posture is relaxed, flat expression in your eyes, don’t sit directly across from them, you are not aware of any particular sensation, tune out their feeling words, you hear words but not feelings. You are aware of their existence but that’s all.)
10. DON’T use logic and rational arguments
11. DON’T try to get them to assume responsibility
12. DON’t tell them your hurt
13. DON’T point out how unfair things are
14. DON’T attack or be sarcastic
16. There is no hope for it to work out, it gets worse, they won’t change, cut your losses or lose more, don’t wait for what they promised, it was never there for them to give.
17. Trust yourself.
18. There is hope for you.
19. You can recover, you can heal, you can grow, you can change, you can be happy, you can be loved, you can move on, you can do it.
Thank you for being there for me.
Recent Insight: If you seek approval from others, Narcissists smell it on you like a shark smells blood in water.
Dragon Heart //.
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