What is Obsession?
Tonight’s reflection regards obsession. I learned my Narcissist’s chosen spiritual path was Scientology when I became exasperated with his definition for the word evaluation. Because I felt it would improve our interactions, I was compelled to learn more about Scientology. As I began to study, I found many interesting concepts which I still embrace and apply. For the record, I am not a Scientologist.
It is a well known fact that Scientology’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard, redefined many common words for his new religion. There is a PDF version of Scientology’s Tech Dictionary that I’ve perused over the past 5 years. In that text, the word obsession is defined as returning motion on something where there has been too much motion thrown at the individual on that subject. Generally, emotion is classified as energy with mass that has motion.
The emotional abuse my Narcissist inflicted on me was very subtle at first. I knew something was wrong but it was impossible to isolate the problem. When I realized how he was affecting me, my first impressions about him kept me from believing he could be so cavalier about the havoc he was wreaking in our relationship. As his negative reviews of me increased in frequency and force, I became obsessed with defending myself. It felt necessary to return that motion which was overwhelming me with doubt about who I was.
The uncertainty he created persists long after the fact of his emotional abuse. The bruises to my soul are real. It has affected my productivity at work and caused me to experience a debilitating depression. I feel like an animal howling at the moon when I find myself spending hours writing email messages to him he will never receive, demanding that reason prevail and bring justice to me. I tell him he forgot who I was or projected someone else onto me. I know this is the part of me who remains obsessed with believing he is not lacking in character … the part of me who wants to believe I couldn’t have knowingly made such a bad choice in love.
Society doesn’t really acknowledge emotional abuse in romantic relationships. If a woman isn’t sporting black eyes or broken bones, she is considered “foolish” for remaining in an unhappy situation. If she tries to explain what she is feeling to others, she is told it is a misunderstanding and it’s normal. If you value their opinions also, your sense of self doubt increases with time. Eventually your focus shifts from what you want and need to what he says is important for him to remain in a relationships and you begin to change yourself so you to keep the love you have found. You call it progress … he calls it winning.
Although adapting to improve a relationship isn’t inherently bad, no change will ever make you good enough for a Narcissist. Society can’t comprehend the effects caused by the systematic unraveling of a being’s self worth through insults, rejection, isolation, bullying and emotional blackmail. Where love exists, society teaches us that seeking to understand is better than seeking to be understood. I accepted all his criticisms and internalized them for years without knowing that was what I was doing. Because of the way I had changed for him, my center of balance was lost. Ultimately, I lost the me I used to know.
My obsession used to be gaining an understanding of him. In present time, my obsession is wanting to be able to feel what I once knew I could feel. I want to know joy again. I want to know that I am capable of both loving and being loved.
I beleive that the “covert” Narcissicts are far more damaging than the really open ones. With the open ones you never get as hurt, because “what you see is what you get”. Everyone sees/understands that this person is Crazy… I come from a family with Subtle and Highly Camouflaged, yet Extremely Potent Narcissism. It took me AGES to discover the games, they were so intricate and well-covered.
I have had this obsession too – I think it has to do with the “brain” looping in search of reason and logic to the behavior. You can’t BELEIVE that people can be like that. They look like people but they are mutations somehow.
And they want you to obsess, its their final “gift” to you. My salvation was, that after I had read and written what I needed to, I tried to find a mental disorder that was easier, to liken “Narcissism” to. I said to myself, if someone is mentally sick and beleive they are Napoleon (delusional), would you really delve that deeply into it? It’s the same with Narcissists, they are mentally retarded, cuckoo, the light is one but nobody’s home…
Crazy is the word and you can certainly explain it in so many different sychological terms. But the essence remains, they are LOONEYS.
It’s as simple as that, and after you have received the knowledge you need, it shall set you free!! You see, they want to be larger than life, complex, powerful beings and when you stop seeing them like that, and start viewing them as just simply…human cardboards, you have won the battle for good!
PS: And what you fell in love with was a reflection of yourself (whih flatters YOU after all
My narcissist always said he didn’t have good since but I cant say that about him or he’d blow up but yep they are loony as hell and the funny thing about it he would be around his family and make this comment ”Am I crazy and yall aint tellin me about it” and they would say child yeah something wrong with you even him mother call her own self crazy why couldn’t I have found this out way sooner, cause I was too busy being charmed and had my guards down.