The Legendary Narcissist | Recovering from a Narcissistic Relationship

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Only a victim of Narcissistic abuse could ever relate to this title. Most people seemed shocked by it. But those of us who have been through it – well, we might even laugh because we can relate.

It seems almost blasphemous to even think such a negative thought – OMG, watch the horrible look on people’s face if you dare say it in public.

But that’s how I feel.

Family – the one I grew up in or the one I married in later – did not fit the all-American illusion of happy times and togetherness.

Holidays seemed to bring out the worst in everyone and always kicked in my depression. Sometimes I didn’t even know why.

Greetings Everyone,

Dragon Heart here. This is a post that I wrote in response to a “yahoo answers” Question in 2008. Here is the Answer I wrote which I think still works well today. It also reflects the recovery I was able to gain after 10 years of working at it.

Can Children of Narcissist Parents Ever Recover?

YES, you can recover from NPD Parents!

First of all you need to learn about recovery and what recovery really is.

There is 12 step recovery and then there is therapy and then there is Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT or “Tapping” is a technique to relieve  emotional disstress and clear the issues that are stuck), and there is the Recovery Model in the mental health field.

I’m not sure this topic has anything to do with Narcissism per se, but it has been on my mind for a few weeks. When something stays on my mind, I know it’s time to write about it.

So, when is understanding and acceptance like being hit over the head with a blunt object?

I think there is a misunderstanding in the minds of a lot of people [particularity the Narcissist] when it comes to understanding and acceptance. We all know the kind of acceptance that involves existing facts. For example, we all accept that the sun comes up every morning. When a friend is ill or a loved one is hurt, we all accept that it is sad for them or painful. They will need help and nurturing.

Belief

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All of the stories that my readers have so generously shared at this site have been heart-wrenching to read.  The demonic behavior of Narcissistic people in our lives can shatter every belief we’ve ever had about Love.

Eventually, we all begin to seek answers so we can heal.  This is the core of human-ness that causes us to want more than mere survival.  Transformation and recovery from a Narcissistic Relationship takes courage … and belief.

In self-dialogue, I frequently hear my questions about what it is that I’m searching for now.  It isn’t a person, place or thing.  It is this:

The belief in life that I had in youth
The belief that I can make a difference
The belief in happy endings

And there you have it … the quest for a happy ending.

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It’s that time of year again.  We’re supposed to be festive and joyful.  Our families and friends bring us close and we’re all cheery, right?

I recognize that attitude is everything.  Every day I have a choice about how I respond to stimuli in my environment.  I can choose to meander off into emotional gloom or sunshine .  Aside from the holidays, it is very easy to flush my feelings of disappointment down the drain and recenter my inner peace.

It could be the fact that a friend of mine died suddenly just before Thanksgiving.  She was younger than me.  It could be that her death reminds me of unaccomplished dreams and goals in my life.  It could be that I miss my mother … whose death and funeral memories are all tangled up in the final betrayal that I experienced at the hands of a Narcissist.

Although I take full responsibility for every choice that has brought me to the life that I know today, I continue to stumble over the hurdle labeled acceptance.  Accepting responsibility for one’s part in a drama is very different than accepting the disappointment that resulted from those decisions.

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I’m a big fan of Garrison Keillor’s Prairie Home Companion show.   There is a segment of each broadcast entitled News from Lake Wobegon, wherein Garrison pokes fun at Minnesota styles and behaviors.  Similar to Monty Python’s jesting about the Masons, Lake Wobegon news pokes fun at religious sects.

This week’s program was live from the Minnesota State Fair.  This is an annual program that I truly enjoy because it is a great fair and, by reports from folks in other parts of the USA, perhaps one of the largest in the entire country.  During the Lake Wobegon portion of the show this week, Garrison Keillor explained the reasons why someone should not hire Lutherans (I’m just paraphrasing and truly do not mean to disrespect to any Lutherans among my readership!) as competition judges at the fair in his segment of the show.  He said:

It’s in scripture!  The last shall be first, the first shall be last.

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Whether or not we admit to it at the time, what each of us has experienced at the end of our relationship with a Narcissistic Partner is grief for the loss of that relationship.

The most widely accepted definition of the stages of grief has 5 stages, which I will review for you here:.

The Five Stages of Grief

  1. Denial is looking past what is real with a mindset that it isn’t what you know it to be.
  2. Anger is the retaliatory phase where we try to get even or feel jealousy.
  3. Bargaining often begins before the actual loss.  We make deals to maintain our relationship or pray to whatever Deity we claim for resolution that will keep our lives whole and our relationship in tact.
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