Soul Crushing Effects
One of my subscribers has been in correspondence with me over the past several days. As I’ve read these notes, I’ve been reminded of how much havoc can be wreaked by a Narcissist. During one of the notes, they described a feeling of having a crushed soul.
For my subscribers, and especially for the subscriber with whom I’ve been exchanging email recently, I am posting a poem entitled Waves which I wrote at the beginning of the beginning of my roller coastr ride through hell.
There is no easy way to end a relationship when one partner wants it to continue but Narcissists do have a way of crushing your spirit. A Narcissist is incapable of empathy. Only their feelings matter to them and if you try to make them care about yours, you only are giving them weapons to use as they destroy you.
In the midst of the fray, the whipsaws of the roller coaster ride are baffling. With adept precision, the Narcissist will choose the button controlling the particular emotion they would like to elicit from you. Their sadistic pursuit of self gratification at your expense is stunning. I’ll never forget my Narcissist describing how he felt after taking me from high spirits to desolation one day. His exact words were, “That was fun.”
The mechanics of this aren’t obvious during moments of confusion caused by Narcissist attacks. It seems impossible that the person whom you’ve chosen to love can be so thoughtless and cruel. Whether you are physically or emotionally abused, you are the one on the defensive and the after effects are very real and long lasting. Remember, the ones who seek therapy are not the Narcissists.
In April 2007, I threw out all his versions of the truth and went with the one that is the truth when I called him a liar. I recall how he scoffed but, knowing him as I do, I also felt his shock in that moment. Shortly afterward, our email exchange ended for he knew he could not control me anymore.
I’m sure my Narcissist felt his coup de grace was using my financial difficulties, caused by a severe decline in the real estate market, as a means to diminish me in his last note. From my point of view, he verified what I had known all along. Our troubles began when my bank accounts began to dwindle, though he always denied this.
Although I am not motivated by revenge, I’ve felt an odd sort of peace after recently being given an opportunity to expose my Narcissist in a public forum. His predictability in that scenario informed me of his mental defect. My ability to spot it and help the person under attack was gratifying.
Holidays are fraught with triggers, even if all is well in your life. While in recovery from a Narcissistic relationship’s effects, the feeling of a crushed soul can compound normal Holiday stressors. I hope all of you who read my blog are taking care of yourselves.
Thank you for this website. I am recovering from a lying Narcissist whom I recently exposed. I am so very thankful that I had not financialties or kids with this person. I only thank God for keeping me over the years and the spirital foundation that I learned in my youth that kept me sane. He was a liar like I could not even imagine. Wicked and manipulative. I am taking it one day at a time and praying all the way.
Hi Dee,
You are most welcome.
The most confounding thing, at least for me, was coming to grips with the facts and finding a way to forgive myself for staying in a no-win relationship for so long. Intuitively, I knew something was wrong.
It has taken more than two years for me to recover my center of balance again. If my scattered stories have helped anyone in anyway, then it was well worth the energy to write them.
There have been more visitors here, recently. Now that I’m further along in my recovery, I’m mustering up courage to return to this blog to organize my story in such a way that my readers can benefit more. As you probably know, these are not pleasant memories.
Take good care, Dee, and be kind to yourself.
Phoenix
I have finally ended my relationship with a man who has caused so much destruction im my family’s life i couldnt know where to start.
The amazing thing is that this went on for about four years. Now that I am well and truly out of it i feel a mixture of relief, shock and almost fear that i could have put myself and my children into such a position.
For along time I thought it was all me. I ve been on antdepressants, and staying in bed rather than face up to how worthless and inadequate i am, and even had a brief encounter with illegal substances, which looking back I did to be like him and have him accept me. I am not normaly so idiotic and am shaken by this. not to mention the harm this could have done my children.
He became verbally abusive, critical, and cold. He withdrew all affection and stopped speaking to me sometimes for weeks. He then started the abuse in a mild form very slyly in front of my children. I could see my eldest son becoming afraid but also backing off from me. He refused to participate in any activity with me (even taking dog for a walk). His excuse was he needed to sane his business but he was just cold and cruel.He is very very clever and secretive.
He asked me to marry him in December! Why!! He then withdrew totally and wouldnt let me even mention making any wedding plans. He claimed to be skint but on advice from a friend i went through his bank stuff, the stuff he had forgotten to shred, and found he has thousands in various bank accounts. When i discovered he was lying about this i started to work out what was going on. Hes gone now and i thank god although i feel somehow like i have lost something. I dont know what it was.
To the outside world though he seems like a very charming, funny, articulate, fun person. I think he has turned my sister against me but have yet to get to the bottom of this as she seems to hate me now and has a very low opinion of me.
I need to expose him for what he really is as he is now working on my sister and she is very vulnerable at the moment. Her husband drowned in April and she is finding it hard to cope. Her husband was with this man on holiday and they took a boat, he left my brother in law ‘to get help’ but he drowned. I dont know the exact story but she doesnt want my help now or anything to do with me and im sure it is because he is telling her lies about me. I dont know what to do. She also has the need to have a connection with this man as he was the last person to see him alive.
I need help i just dont know how to expose him.
Can anyone help.
Everyone who visits here empathizes with the confusion you described. We’ve all been there…
I’m not sure what happened with the drowing of your brother in law. It sounds like a tragedy and I am so sorry for your loss. Did your former lover fail to return in time or fail to return with help?
I wanted to reply to your desire to change your sister’s mind. I have come to learn that you cannot convince anyone of anything until they are ready to hear it. But, she is your sister and you are concerned. That is understandable.
If you can find a way to communicate your feelings to your sister, without mentioning your former lover’s name or disparaging him, I guarantee you will have greater success mending fences with her. At this time, given his involvement in the death of her husband, she is moving toward him for comfort. People do that when they grieve. Narcissists gravitate to the people who give them admiration that they want and need to feel good about themselves.
Your best solution is to NOT give him anything or give her information that allows him to know that he is still having an effect on your life. Narcissists hate being ignored more than they dislike being criticized. Be mindful of his nature and do not nurture it anymore … please.
I still think it may have been me. met a guy on the internet, something I always said I’d never do. I ignored everyone except him.he looked attractive but not rediculously so, and was my age. he turnd out to be very accomplished in his unusual feild, but also grew up where I did. all went well,good manners, no over the topness. then after a night of
dinner and obvious interest.we met for a day out. he started to make sliht disparagingcomments, told the waiter that thenext meal would be a coffee,very subtle things that I didn’t get concsiously until he took me to his (nice) home and then to the station. he never spoke to me again. I sent him texts etc.it made it worse.
I feel so ashamed of not getting the message immediately. I have have never chased men,or been interested in money or celebrity. I was hit by a narcissist ( emotionally) some 14 years ago.devestating.
Thank you for sharing part of your experience. I understand what you’ve written and why you first tend to blame yourself.
I want to assure you, you have done nothing stupid or wrong. You loved. Once we give our love, we are guided by those feelings and Love wants to Believe.
For me, recovering my own self esteem and feelings of worth took nearly a year. I chose to move through this cycle without counseling or antidepressants. Intuitively, I knew that the value of what I had learned would be muddied by medicating or rationalizing anything that occurred. It was what it was.
Covertly hostile humor, otherwise known as sarcasm, is fun when it is self-directed. When another uses subtle criticisms (covertly hostile humor) as a means of diminishing you in public, it is not acceptable. These tactics are used by people who want to feel superior and, at the end of the day, a Narcissist NEEDS to feel superior. Blaming, obfuscation, lies of omission and comission are tools they use to trap you and an emotionally downward spiral of confusion. Yet, all the while, you know something is wrong…
Your gift is this: You are congnizant of the games that Narcissists play. If you remain true to yourself, you will choose to not play in a game where rules change so quickly that you are left off balance.
My research on this topic revealed that there is no firm definition for Narcissistic Personality Disorder because they feel they are perfect and see no reason to seek help. This makes it much harder to spot and categorize them in a neat little bucket. Your guide is how it feels to you, knowing what you now know. When I am in communications with a Narcissist, my stomach turns. That little inkle is a warning that I’ve learned to heed.
I made myself a promise, after navigating the train wreck debris of my experience. I decided that feeling sadness that I was reticent to express to my partner will no longer be acceptable. I cried for a year before we fell apart for good and for two years after. Happily, I can report that tears no longer fall for what I once described as a loss. I have learned to view the absence of him in my life as something that I’ve gained.
Yes-narcissists are an unusual breed. In a “class” all by themselves (so they like to claim). Too bad there are so many others like them (if they actually thought about); and (as it turns out) not really so different and “special” after all :0). Ah . . .poetic Justice. Ain’t it grand?
Hi! Your website is a great resource. I am grateful to God that I got out of the relationship with perhaps one most the most vile, manipulative people I have ever met in my life-my narcissistic ex-boyfriend. Now he is trying to make people believe that I two-timed him that is why the relationship ended. He even tried to manipulate my friends to make them believe he was good and I am the bad “guy.”
Now my self-esteem has been healing better but what struck me was when you mentioned about “finding a way to forgive myself for staying in a no-win relationship for so long” I am now grappling with this issue and struggling with trust issues because I am scared if I get close to people they will be like the narcissist. So much emotional damage – I never thought this would happen. Sometimes I still get mad and wish this narcissist ill but what the heck its a waste of my time. Now I am in another country and finding peace within myself which has been good – laughing again, living again and loving myself again.
Though I still struggle I wish the same for all partners/ex-partners of narcissists out there – to laugh again, live again and love again. These narcissists may have tried to crush our self-esteem but can never EVER crush our souls!
My son has been involed with a narcissists for years. She has completly destroyed him. He was almost free but she’s like a drug out to destroy him. she has promised this time for the hundreth time that it will work and she is going to change. Is there a way to provoke her to cheat lie and steal before she is ready to do so. Sometimes it last for weeks other times a year or so before she destroys him again I am afraid he will kill himself this time.
Carol,
Your son has to decide that he wants to be free, or bring out the worst in her by calling her by name: Narcissist.
The roller coaster is part of relating with an NPD. They so much enjoy being admired and, as long as they are receiving that admiration, they will be pleasant. The moment one holds up a mirror that forces them to see themselves as less than perfect, they can become vicious.
NPDs are incredibly believable when you are in Love with them. He has to find a source within himself to break free. And, if she has been abusive as mine was, it will take him years to recover his self-esteem.
I understand that, as a mother, you want him to be happy but I hope you understand that he needs to discover that true happiness comes from within oneself. All you can do, I imagine, is ask the sorts of questions that lead him to conclude, on his own, that he is in an unhealthy relationship.
My heart goes out to him … and to you.
Hello. I so feel all of your pain. I was involved with a Narcissist, I think he even may have by-polar as well.
Our relationship was an on for three off for three months.
He was a very clean moral person who was vegetarian, Hare Krishna. The perfect gentleman, a talented musician, and talented writer and the best lover I have ever had. Our love was so special I believed with all my heart we were soul mates, we did everything together, played music in temples and churches, went to the theatre and our love making would go on for hours.But, when I wanted to talk to him about something he didn’t want to confront he turned into a monster.
He was always making sarcastic remarks about people that ate meat people who were over weight. he was so negative, and complained constantly about his health. he would almost always find something bad to say about a person. When I was feeling down, he was never supportive, once he even told me “Well you should just kill yourself” When I had gained about 20 pounds, he told me, I thought you were going to work on yourself, instead you just keep adding more fat to yourself.
He really has effected my self esteem, I feel ugly and bad now. I had to go on meds, prozac and a couple others. Now that I that I have lost weight, he is telling friends that I am not taking care of myself. When I started seeing some else, who by the way was abusive also, I saw them for only 6 weeks. and then bumped them. The narcissist wanted to be my frined, but we only talked for a week or so and even though he said he was getting therapy for his illness, he now would blame me for having to have the therapy. well that was not right I had only known him for two years.
anyway as it turns out the so called therapist he is seeing is a fraud phony she has no training or credentials and they are now romantically involved. He has conned her into believing that I abused him. He has even convinced, friends, my therapist and others to believe I am abusing him.
My only hope is that like a dear friend of mine who really knows him told me, ‘he can only be good for so long’ I want him exposed. I am still suffering from what this man did to me.
Hi Rebecca,
Rising above the desire to “out” a narcissist is a real force of will. And, this is revenge-seeking which can become like poison to your soul. You must come to believe that this man will be his own un-doing.
It has been nearly 3 years since I’ve seen the Narcissist who affected me and 2.5 years since we last spoke. Recovering from the effects of emotional abuse, to the degree it occurred, takes time.
The good news is, I haven’t shed a tear about him in years and I have pretty much resolved the matters that once seemed unresolvable. As a result of this relationship I had, I have an uncanny skill of identifying and distancing myself from people who are Narcissistic, however benign they seem to others.
When I am ready to venture back into the game of romance, I pray that I will not allow seduction to rule my good sense again.
It drives you crazy cause on again off again relationships with them is all you gettin, get mad, leave stay away for months then make up, thats not good. They try to give it to you real good to get you hook along with their fake romancing you and fake being nice. My Narc always whinned, oh nobody aint trying to help me out in my home, all he did was work, drink sex smoke weed and complain. I didn’t live with him, thank God, his mom cooked for him at times. She’d wash his clothes and thats only cause she was living rent free and thats was their agreement not mines. She tryed to throw everything off on me but I wasn’t having it, I did what I wanted to do if I felt like it just because he was an a hole sometimes.
I was with a narcisist for three years when I found out what the hell was really wrong, like I was always crying when he threatened to leave me, when he tried to say I was crazy and when he try to say I was getting fat when I was really losing weight and thats when I found out he suffered from feederism also. I finally had it and had to find out whats really going on, thats when I surfed the net and narcissim came up and then I started to feel a little better so now I’m at the point where I’m trying to leave without getting harmed because he knows I’m onto him so now he uses threats saying he’s going to kill me if I leave. If I miss a day or two without seeing him he drives by my house and honk real loud so I have to come out and talk to him but I’m gonna leave please believe because he wrecks my nerves and it’s getting to the point where I’m falling outta love with him. When I found out the mental illness I also found out he’s on the downlow due to getting raped in prison but the narcissist came from when he got hit in the back with a hammer by his own mother and always was treated like garbage by her and now she lives with him so now he’s paying her back for doing that. He says he’s going to leave her there and move somewhere else, she dont have a job and no money coming in so she’ll be on her own to survive but I’m really tired of him and ready to make that move in a safe way, even his aunts told me you his now, I guess that means your not leavin without a fight from him cause he’s already possessed me as his till death.