So many people who cared about me shared very negative opinions about my former beau, many describing him as a bum or a loser. After the event of my mother’s funeral, he told me he was afraid of everyone. In an attempt to appreciate his point of view, I sometimes wonder which would be worse … being known as a loser or knowing you are a coward?
The Narcissist becomes a bully when they fear being found out. Normally these people are charming as well as intelligent so a sudden and unexpected cruelty can flummox the strongest being. When a Narcissist is forced to look inside, they become fearful and react. They know the reflection is not becoming. They will always lash out at their accuser. There were times with this man when I had made no accusations nor issued any complaints and I still found myself in the line of fire because he claimed his vast awareness caused him to sense what I was feeling and choosing to not say. He was afraid of being found out.
Underneath these baffling layers, my former lover and the person who has led you to be interested in the topic of narcissism is a human … a being with hopes and dreams just like you. Like you also, this person’s life experiences have taught them how to adapt and change for the benefit of their survival. The major difference is their primary interest will always be in their own happiness first.
Through maintaining perspective, it is possible to come to terms with many things, including my own responsibility for choosing to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship with this man for so long. As I may have mentioned before, not being able to forgive my forfeiture of dignity has had a most devastating and long lasting effect.
I was listening to the lyrics from an old, old Rock and Roll song recently. What interested me were the words, “Love is nice when it’s understood. It’s even nicer when it’s feeling good.” Let the Good Times Roll is the title of a happy song about love. When one is in love with a Narcissist, they can reach the point where they cease to trust feeling good. There are ups and downs in every relationship but the whipsaw ride with a Narcissist is terrifying until you figure out who you are dealing with.
Narcissists will always take much more than they give and have a penchant for distancing themselves from a relationship which causes them to behave responsibly towards anyone but themselves. This usually occurs when they begin to feel obligated. Responsible people understand that Love is an obligation and don’t use other people’s emotions in the same way as a Narcissist.
Love isn’t fun when it can’t be understood, you’re made to feel insane about your understanding of what love ought to be and you no longer can trust the good times because you can’t predict what’s around the bend. I promised this man my unconditional love and have learned it takes a great deal of courage to give this level of caring. In the end analysis, I’ve determined unconditional love is best left to mothers.
Narcissists are not necessarily losers but, because they are fearful of love, they are indeed cowards. That cowardice does manifest in emotionally brutal ways. Normal people seek to understand and try to ease the fears of the person whom they love. Sadly, this results in providing Narcissistic supply to the taker but, when the exchange is skewed so mucn in one direction, the source of the giver’s self love, which is healthy narcissism, can become drained. Recovering from that can be brutal, too.
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