It’s that time of year again. We’re supposed to be festive and joyful. Our families and friends bring us close and we’re all cheery, right?
I recognize that attitude is everything. Every day I have a choice about how I respond to stimuli in my environment. I can choose to meander off into emotional gloom or sunshine . Aside from the holidays, it is very easy to flush my feelings of disappointment down the drain and recenter my inner peace.
It could be the fact that a friend of mine died suddenly just before Thanksgiving. She was younger than me. It could be that her death reminds me of unaccomplished dreams and goals in my life. It could be that I miss my mother ... whose death and funeral memories are all tangled up in the final betrayal that I experienced at the hands of a Narcissist.
Although I take full responsibility for every choice that has brought me to the life that I know today, I continue to stumble over the hurdle labeled acceptance. Accepting responsibility for one’s part in a drama is very different than accepting the disappointment that resulted from those decisions.
I located a website that had hundreds of quotes about what happiness is. This particular quote seemed most complete, and most confounding:
The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love
something to hope for
~ Allan K. Chalmers
Happiness is ... if we agree that we are happy. I guess I could stop there but I’m hung up on the hope part.
The Mechanics of Hope
Hope is an emotion that results from looking forward. Some hopes are altruistic, some are materialistic, and some are far more personal. When I was dating my former beau, I characterized my feelings of hope in this way:
Plan for the worst and hope for the best.
It was that “hoping for the best” that got me. Over the years we dated, my definition of “the best” was persistently altered by him to be something less than what I really deserved in my life. In the final analysis, I merely hoped that he would be behave like a responsible adult who cared about honesty and the contribution that he made to destroying our long term relationship.
When it was apparent that even that hope was impossible and I was left on my own to work out what had happened, I concluded that hope is destructive. I’m still very wary of hoping. The feeling of hope is hard to trust.
In spite of all of my spiritual awareness and mindset tools, it seems that I’m like Sisyphus who was compelled to perpetually roll the boulder uphill. Sisyphus probably hoped that the boulder wouldn’t roll back down the hill every time he reached the top.
So I’ve got a tremendously bad case of the Holiday Blahs this year. Another year is ending. It has been 4-years since I’ve been in contact with my Narcissistic Ex. Yet, the impact of enduring years of emotional abuse in that relationship exact their price at this time of year.
My spiritual shoulders are tired…
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