Let it go and move on?
I heard a song by the Dixie Chicks which was written for a different purpose. The refrain haunts me for their sentiments mirror my feelings.
They sing:
“I’m not ready to make nice. I’m not ready to back down ‘cuz I’m mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round. It’s too late to make it right, wouldn’t do it if I could. ‘Cuz I’m mad as hell and I don’t have time to do what it is you think I should.”
Conventional wisdom is to let it go and move on. What is there to let go? When the partner with whom you’ve been walking on the path changes course and doesn’t provide information you need to have to make informed choices about your own well being, it casts doubt on your ability to make any choice and standing still seems best.
Societal mores suggest we should forgive and forget. Perhaps I shouldn’t feel angry about the emotional abuse I suffered every time I complained about not having my needs met during the years we spent together. Perhaps it doesn’t matter that the man who claimed to love me and willingly accepted the role of being my source of emotional support while my mother was dying and had held me and made love to me a few nights before scoffed at my anguish about not wanting to be left alone on the night of her funeral by saying, “Wah! Wah! Wah!” Perhaps I should forget how he raged at me in a public restaurant that day and told me to kill myself as he stormed away. Perhaps I should forget he neglected to mention he had moved in with another woman weeks before. Perhaps I should forget he feels no regret about any of it.
Because I love him, I persisted in my quest to understand. He led me to believe he was with this new woman because they were setting up a business at her house. He stayed up after she went to bed each night to correspond with me. He seduced me into setting the topic of my mother’s funeral aside for a while by feigning distress about not having a soft landing for his musings. I adapted and gave him what he wanted in hopes I would eventually get answers I needed to have. He pontificated about his vast awareness of others’ needs and wants and how it was his choice whether or not to grant them. His utter lack of empathy for my concerns were obvious.
When I finally grew weary of his self importance and called him a liar, he asked what he had lied about. I chose to remind him of a conversation, after the funeral, when I specifically asked if he had decided to move in with his partner and he had answered he was just getting some things done. All he said to this was, “So what?” The email exchange slowed down a great deal after that conversation. When I wrote again and asked for honesty, he replied that it wasn’t complicated and asked me to let it go and move on.
Of course it isn’t complicated for him. He chooses to not self examine because, in this case, he could not avoid seeing his imperfections. He’s found a new source of Narcissistic supply and a safe place to hide from the wreckage of his past.
We hope, when we are in our 50s, that we are dealing with a responsible adult when we choose to give the gift of love and become vulnerable. Although I used to characterize him as being childlike, he is nothing more than a child in a man’s body.
Thanks for your articles. I have read many of them and totally relate. I was with a N personality for two years. I threw him out and was so angry I couldn’t recognize myself. He found a replacement for me very soon after. I’m still agonizing over the relationship – I think my mind has been scrambled and I’m finding it hard to let go. I remind myself all the time what a b…..d he is and a narcissist, etc, but I have to keep coming back to it. It’s not easy – I feel for you… I also have a story of a funeral. We were at a funeral and I was feeling badly about the loss of my friend. He snarled at me and it just blew my mind. We had a HUGE argument after the funeral and I decided I should leave him. He was living off me, living with me paying all the bills. He was fighting a custody battle and trying to ruin his ex. I believed his lies about her. I think this is one of the reasons I find it so hard to let it all go. I feel terrible that I fell for his b……t. Funerals seem to be too much for these 6 year olds…
Hi Lynda,
You’re welcome.
I agree that the most difficult part about freeing myself from the bad experience is letting go of the stupid decisions that I made in the name of love. My N didn’t have me paying all of his bills. At age 53, he still was able to rely on his mother for that.
He did have a way of convincing me there were things that he needed which I could afford to buy. A nice vacation, for instance. While we were away together, he was gracious and attentive. When we returned, he accused me of trying to obligate him by taking him along at my expense. He lured me into helping him with many work-intensive projects at his old house, and got angry with me for reminding him he had agreed to return the favor of my time by helping me out with things at my old house. Because we spent most of our time at my place, my grocery bill was affected and I don’t recall one time that he offered to supplement it. His idea was that he was “letting” me do something nice for him. And, I was stupid enough to think that was some sort of honor.
But his bad behavior on the day of Mom’s funeral is the thing that I can never forget, along with the fact that immediately and several months later, he denied having done anything wrong. I guess I understand that “wrong” is subjective. Regardless, there just are some times that ought to remain sacred and peaceful. When I think of the way he looked when he came to pick me up that day, how he wandered around at the memorial service laughing at his own jokes, and especially the way he treated me when no one was around to see the real him, it remains unforgivable. And the fact that I invited him into that event is something that is hard for me to forgive too.
Phoenix
My N also acted up at my Mom’s funeral – my Mom was ill for 4 months before she died. He carried her to my sister’s car when we took her to Hospice and he cried. At the funeral he waited until everyone had left and told me that I am an orphan now, no-one cares about me anymore. He then told me to get out of our home, because I didn’t interest him anymore. He has eventually left me again, after 12 years. This time I don’t want him back. I started realising a few years ago that our relationship wasn’t normal but and now I’m like a spitting cobra. Angry at myself that I didn’t have the strength to get rid of him earlier, that I couldn’t see through his womanising, cheating, lying, self-centredness. That I lived most of my life alone – while he was always ‘busy’. That he never did anything wrong. Today’s promise is always tomorrow’s lie. I still have a long road to travel but I will get there, if only to be able to look myself in the mirror again and smile.
Hi Ali,
Thanks for sharing your story with the group who frequent this site. I had the same feelings as you, finally.
The travesty of his behavior on the day of my mother’s funeral was my “wake up call.” I had been conning myself into believing that every difficulty we had, up until that point, was based in some “wrong” thing I was doing. But, I was not wrong to need comfort on the day of Mom’s funeral. I do not forgive him for his words, deeds, or timing.
Keep coming back to the site, or subscribe to the feed. I’m making plans to enhance the value for the people who have been loyal subscribers for years.
Thank you for your response. I think we all have that ‘moment’ even though it may take years and eventually be over something that is really inconsequential. One day our blinkers fall away, as do our dreams – note – not our reality – of our relationship and life is no longer the same. We can’t fix them or help them we can only help and fix ourselves. I still look at him and think ‘if only, why couldn’t it, why, why, why’ but now I answer myself by saying, ‘because I can’t, because he is broken’. It’s almost like letting yourself down, you poured so much energy into ‘the relationship’ and now you have to walk away like abandoning a half finished project. G always had other women, the last straw was a photo of the latest one’s genitals on his cellphone – it came through while he was drunk, passed out. He asked me to answer his phone if it rang. I didn’t spy. I looked at the message that came through and it was like I woke up from a long sleep. I’d read all the books, knew what he was and what the problems were, but that was my special moment. I went to see a phsychologist for about a year 2 years ago, but it took this moment for the other shoe to eventually drop. We have ourselves, we may be damaged, but given time, if we give enough love and kindness to ourselves and work through where we are now and those bad places we have been in we can still shine. Thank you for your site, knowledge is power and you give insightful knowledge. Ali
Hello Ali,
You are very welcome.
The site started out as a way for me to work through my own feelings. Over time, that has changed. Helping others understand what they have been through and why is the purpose of the site now.
Hi Everyone, Thank you for all of your comments on this site. I just finally broke up for good with my N about an hour ago. He has all of the awful traits that have been outlined so well on this site. I thought – or allowed myself to think – that I had found my dream man. The sex was greater than anything I had ever known and he could be so loving when he wanted to be. Deep down I always knew that he didn’t see me at all, that he was constantly on the prowl for other women, that he had no real moral core whatsoever, but I thought that he could change because I could see the pained child inside him. I bent over backwards for him. I know what you all are thinking! The final straw for me was the last week in which I had to go through a terrible cancer scare and he completely abandoned me and even stood me up for a date for the first time – and then proceeded to blame me and tell me to lighten up. Thankfully, I don’t have cancer – and I no longer want him in my life. I know that his emotional hold on me is deep and I will have to fight this for quite awhile, but I am so relieved right now to have him out of my life. Thanks for reading and understanding this.
Hi Liz,
We’re glad to have you here. Of course we all understand … we’ve been there.
Leaving your Narcissist was a smart decision. They do have a strong hold, however. The best thing you can do for yourself is avoid contact for a while, even though he will try to communicate. You’ve been around the block a few times and you know how it will go.
Stay true to yourself, and keep coming back!
Phoenix