It took me more than a year to overcome the pain of memories, either pleasant or unpleasant. For four months after the catastrophe that occurred on the day of my mother’s funeral, I was unable to leave my house for more than 10 minutes at a time because I couldn’t stop sobbing … not crying, sobbing.

My understanding of NPD’s is that they don’t feel there is anything wrong with them so, therefore, there is no need to recover. Their form of recovery is to find a new source that feeds their need for admiration and praise.

You are sane. There is no need to worry or think about what excuses he has made about the reasons the marriage failed. As long as you are clear in your own mind, you have the material that you need to recover. But, recovery from a close encounter with a narcissist takes time.

Your last paragraph is so true. It was like someone hit a light switch. The man whom I loved and who had claimed such love for me turned into someone whom I couldn’t imagine even wanting to love. My entire concept of love was shattered. I have resolved myself to the fact that my former beau used love as a tool in furthering his own selfish goals.

Today, nearly 4 years after the funeral event, I have finally acquired the ability to pass through memories of the times we shared, good or bad, without having an emotional response of any sort. I remain somewhat of a recluse.

I’m still recovering my self-esteem and my confidence that I can make good choices about whom I call friend but I’m determined to find a center of balance that approximates the way that I felt about life, and love, before I met this man.

Keep coming around. We need to support each other because, as you wrote, people who have not had the experience have no way to appreciate the impact of the effects.

I think the thing I find hardest at the moment is that, to me, it feels like everything happened yesterday (even though it’s been 4 months), and the pain is very real still. Yet I can see him through different online sites getting on with life completely fine with his new ‘victim’, having the time of his life. I long for the day I won’t want or care to know what he’s doing.. and inparticular for the dreams that I regularly have of what should have been, to end.

I know already that he’s excused his behaviour to his friends (whom of course have no idea what really happened) and incredibly turned everything back round on me and now holds himself completely blameless… that’s extremely hurtful as anyone who’s been involved with a narcissist/sociopath never asked to be in this situation. Even now it leaves me with feelings of self doubt even though the evidence I have, along with forced confessions of things I found, is indisputable.

I hate the fact that there’s this side to humanity that I refused to believe existed. I’ve most certainly had my rose tinted glasses smashed and I’m sorry to rant on like this but I guess it feels good to talk to people who actually understand what you might be feeling, rather than the generic ‘I know exactly what you’re going through’ by someone you barely know who has no idea of the extent of bizarre, unnatural feelings that encompass the hasty breakdown of a narcissistic relationship.

When you think that someone loves you beyond recognition, yet they can go so cold so quickly, it hurts to think that you weren’t worth fighting for and if it weren’t for a supportive family I’d be in a far more lonely place than I am now.

I’m sorry to hear of your disappointment and loss.

You are welcome for the site. I admit to not posting much here but it does seem that what I have written had reached a lot of people such as yourself.

I wanted to respond to your inquiry about cowardice and the Narcissist. I’ve done a lot of reading and reflecting on the subject myself and, when you consider a Narcissist as a bully, it makes perfect sense.

In the schoolyard, the bully is a coward who picks on the little people because they need to “feel” more important. They choose someone smaller because it is a fight they know they can win and they are afraid of losing.

A narcissist’s greatest fear is that they will be discovered for who they really are. When their partner (or victim) begins to question or challenge them, they are forced to honestly look at themselves. Confronting reality is difficult for them and, at this point, they become dangerous and abusive. Abuse comes on many levels but, in my experience, the emotionally abusive narcissist weilds the heaviest sword. Soul scars take much longer to heal than broken bones.

Narcissists surround themselves with admirerers because they fear being alone and truly need to be admired. They will frequently have a new source for narcissistic supply lined up long before they’ve left you but, because they enjoy tweaking your buttons, they will torture you with the love you hold for them and use emotional blackmail to keep you in line.

There is a line from a movie called War Games. When you are interacting with a narcissist, the only way to win is to not play their game.

Phoenix

I recall that feeling of fear. My heart goes out to you.

One of the things that it took me YEARS to figure out is that the narcissist’s game is to create dependency so they can feel needed. That strong and intelligent people fall prey to that is part of the mystery. A narcissist is charming, at least until they are discovered.

The whimpering mass of nothing that I became while I was with him has morphed nearer to the woman whom I remember being before I allowed this man into my life. One might even say that I’ve recovered from the events and turmoil caused by his viciousness. In my heart of hearts, I know that I’ve regained my strength but I haven’t regained my confidence in humankind, which makes it very difficult to trust people who are not family. A veritable recluse, I keep to myself.

Having every belief, hope and dream altered by this experience created a situation where I was forced to establish new beliefs, hopes and dreams. Even though nearly 4 years have transpired since my mother’s funeral, the day that changed my life forever, I’m still not entirely whole.

Healing is a process, so the saying goes. You are still raw and it thrills me to read that you have supportive family and friends at your side. You’re free now, even though you feel alone. Let those who really love you remind you of your gifts and listen to their comforting words. Over time, they will erase the echoes of the past.

I wish you well and encourage you to continue to reach out for help.

Phoenix

I have been in a relationship with a Narcissist, (well I guess I should say I lived with one since a “relationship” can’t be onesided)for the past 15 years. I used to be strong, full of self confidence, with a nice figure and a belief that I could do anything. Now I am just a “fat-assed CU**” who “can’t understand normal thinking” certainly has no concept of the difference between criticism and ‘making reasonable suggestions.”

After the latest bout of actual physical abuse I moved out. But I just can’t seem to let go. Of, course my attempts at contacting him only fuel his contempt and resentment and leave me feeling desperate and alone.

I have cried solidly for the last 2 months. I found myself a new condo that I dearly loved and was so excited to move in. Now I dread going home and hearing the blaring sound of all encompassing SILENCE.

My friends and family are and have been so supportive, but think I need to “let go” and simply “move-on”. No one understands how scared I am of EVERYTHING. I feel so alone.

Lilly

My difficulty seems to be that I’ve got a list in my mind that serves as red flags for spotting a Narcissist. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m rational when I make my decision that another one is trying to barge into my life. Needless to say, no one gets too close.

One last thing, I have often thought of Eternal Sunshine of he Spotless Mind for the EXACT same reason as you. I remember actually thinking if it was somehow possible to wipe out my memories from the past two years. But here’s the thing that got me…If I had NOT gone through this, what would my chances be of running into my ex N and being sucked dry again? Today, with my memory painfully intact, I can protect myself!