The Holiday blahs have certainly affected me today. There was a season when hope was still in my vocabulary and all things seemed possible. At the time, I had no idea it was a false promise from a Narcissist.
Love is what we are told we need. Attachment is the downfall of loving, I guess. But I don't know how one thing works without the other ... and I've never seen both work together. The paradox of that confounds me.
In the movie, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, there was technology that wiped out the memories of love. I sometimes wish that it existed. But I have discovered another clue into why my soul cannot seem to leave the horror of my abusive partner's betrayal behind. I'm quite certain that he would be entirely off my radar by now if I had not been so traumatized by him.
Yet, as I write that, I wonder if it is an excuse for not giving love another try. Intellectually, I am aware that I'm terrified of being hurt again. Emotionally, I'm weary of not having that special connection in my life.
Is it worth it ... to have your own happiness so contingent on another being? That is the million dollar question.
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