Holiday Blahs
The Holiday blahs have certainly affected me today. There was a season when hope was still in my vocabulary and all things seemed possible. At the time, I had no idea it was a false promise from a Narcissist.
Love is what we are told we need. Attachment is the downfall of loving, I guess. But I don’t know how one thing works without the other … and I’ve never seen both work together. The paradox of that confounds me.
In the movie, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, there was technology that wiped out the memories of love. I sometimes wish that it existed. But I have discovered another clue into why my soul cannot seem to leave the horror of my abusive partner’s betrayal behind. I’m quite certain that he would be entirely off my radar by now if I had not been so traumatized by him.
Yet, as I write that, I wonder if it is an excuse for not giving love another try. Intellectually, I am aware that I’m terrified of being hurt again. Emotionally, I’m weary of not having that special connection in my life.
Is it worth it … to have your own happiness so contingent on another being? That is the million dollar question.
Thank you for this article, as I am sure there are many of us who are worried about facing the holidays.
I have been in the healing for a couple of months now. Just recently, becuase my depression has decreased slightly and motivation increased, I made the decision that there was NO way I was going to come out of this harrowing experience with a lot of knowledge, self-awareness, wisdom, and LOVE! I want to transcend, for a lack of a better word, the pain within my soul; I do not want to run from it, nor do I want to burn in it. This is not to say that I would have escaped the deceptive nature of this man, however, I have discovered one of the main reasons I kept going back. I lack emotional-self reliance. He hurt me…only he could heal me. He took and took and took from me…only he could give me back what was rightfully mine and manipulatively taken from me. I kept desperately turning to him to provide me with a magical potion that could save my soul. Why would I ever turn to darkness if I am seeking light? If I were emotionally self-reliant, I could have reached into my self and pulled from my own resevoir of self-love to begin the healing process. This is what I am diligently working for right now.
One last thing, I have often thought of Eternal Sunshine of he Spotless Mind for the EXACT same reason as you. I remember actually thinking if it was somehow possible to wipe out my memories from the past two years. But here’s the thing that got me…If I had NOT gone through this, what would my chances be of running into my ex N and being sucked dry again? Today, with my memory painfully intact, I can protect myself!
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, Sandra. Even though I wish otherwise, at times, I totally agree with your thoughts about lessons learned.
My difficulty seems to be that I’ve got a list in my mind that serves as red flags for spotting a Narcissist. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m rational when I make my decision that another one is trying to barge into my life. Needless to say, no one gets too close.
Let me start by saying that I am a professional, with a Master’s degree. ( I obtained it during my relationship, which in itself is a HUGE accomplishment)
I have been in a relationship with a Narcissist, (well I guess I should say I lived with one since a “relationship” can’t be onesided)for the past 15 years. I used to be strong, full of self confidence, with a nice figure and a belief that I could do anything. Now I am just a “fat-assed CU**” who “can’t understand normal thinking” certainly has no concept of the difference between criticism and ‘making reasonable suggestions.”
After the latest bout of actual physical abuse I moved out. But I just can’t seem to let go. Of, course my attempts at contacting him only fuel his contempt and resentment and leave me feeling desperate and alone.
I have cried solidly for the last 2 months. I found myself a new condo that I dearly loved and was so excited to move in. Now I dread going home and hearing the blaring sound of all encompassing SILENCE.
My friends and family are and have been so supportive, but think I need to “let go” and simply “move-on”. No one understands how scared I am of EVERYTHING. I feel so alone.
Lilly
Lilly,
I recall that feeling of fear. My heart goes out to you.
One of the things that it took me YEARS to figure out is that the narcissist’s game is to create dependency so they can feel needed. That strong and intelligent people fall prey to that is part of the mystery. A narcissist is charming, at least until they are discovered.
The whimpering mass of nothing that I became while I was with him has morphed nearer to the woman whom I remember being before I allowed this man into my life. One might even say that I’ve recovered from the events and turmoil caused by his viciousness. In my heart of hearts, I know that I’ve regained my strength but I haven’t regained my confidence in humankind, which makes it very difficult to trust people who are not family. A veritable recluse, I keep to myself.
Having every belief, hope and dream altered by this experience created a situation where I was forced to establish new beliefs, hopes and dreams. Even though nearly 4 years have transpired since my mother’s funeral, the day that changed my life forever, I’m still not entirely whole.
Healing is a process, so the saying goes. You are still raw and it thrills me to read that you have supportive family and friends at your side. You’re free now, even though you feel alone. Let those who really love you remind you of your gifts and listen to their comforting words. Over time, they will erase the echoes of the past.
I wish you well and encourage you to continue to reach out for help.
Phoenix