Only a victim of Narcissistic abuse could ever relate to this title. Most people seemed shocked by it. But those of us who have been through it - well, we might even laugh because we can relate.
It seems almost blasphemous to even think such a negative thought - OMG, watch the horrible look on people's face if you dare say it in public.
But that's how I feel.
Family - the one I grew up in or the one I married in later - did not fit the all-American illusion of happy times and togetherness.
Holidays seemed to bring out the worst in everyone and always kicked in my depression. Sometimes I didn't even know why.
Family is supposed to be sacred, like the pope or something. You are supposed to love your family and never leave them. You are supposed to always love them and be there for them.
How do you know if that is true or not?
Who decides who you are obligated to?
I once had a 'sponsor' who once told me the only people I am obligated to is myself and any children under the age of 18. The rest were choices.
There is a stigma attached to you if you don't "love" and care for your own flesh and blood. What a terrible person you must be. What's wrong with you?
But do these outsiders have any earthly clue the terrible abuse you have suffered from a family member who is probably a psychopath?
I mean, really. Just because of a blood relation to someone, does that mean anything other than we're related? Or is it society's expectations and our youthful bonding that keeps us attached to those that do us harm?
All I ever wanted was a home and a loving family. I wasn't born into one. I didn't get lucky and just find one. I had to work hard to create my own and that didn't happen until I was in my 40's. It was still alot of hard work.
My family abandoned me when I needed them the most. I didn't hear from them on holidays. So for me - that statement is simply True.
It just is. It's not my first choice. I wish it could be different. But I divorced my N husband so why can't I divorce my N family members?
Why do I have to fake happiness on holidays if they feel like hell to me?
Why can't I be free to speak my mind and tell my truth?
I can and I will.
It's not that I'm anti-family or even anti-holiday. It's just that I refuse to pretend its something that it is not, (for me).
Just saying it was freeing and liberating to me. It makes me laugh every time I say it. It eases the pain of not having a family or a holiday with loving family. So when I say it, it's a stress release and a truth-telling moment that makes me feel empowered. Makes me feel not so screwed up that I thought I was. Makes me feel that it's not my fault.
So, the next time anyone in your family gives you a hard time, you might think to yourself, "Family is an F word" or "Love is a Four-Letter Word" or the next time a Holiday crashes and burns and you think, "Holidays are HELL!" I hope it makes you laugh, not cry. I hope it makes you feel like you are putting your fist up to the sky and just be who you are and feel what you feel and sometimes we feel down-right pissed off.
And that's OK.
Dragon Heart //.
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