There was an interesting question asked in the new Alice in Wonderland movie.  As the uncertain Alice encountered the Mad Hatter, he was disappointed by her fear and said, “You used to be much more … you’ve lost your much-ness!”  The silly wording of the statement caused a smile but the profundity of the statement wasn’t lost on me.

Many of my readers talk of their own disbelief with themselves.  Every time I read a comment like that, it breaks my heart again.  There is not an adequate explanation for the things we have chosen to change about ourselves in order to maintain a relationship with a Narcissist and no way to describe the after effects to people who haven’t dealt with an NPD.  As many of us have learned through experience, the relationship we thought was love was not what it seemed. 

It isn’t inherently wrong to want to give anything to a partner.  Perhaps our overlooking the fact that the giving was so one-sided was our biggest fault.  In all relationships, there must be give and take or the giver gets worn out. 

When you are involved with a Narcissist, this equation is give … and give some more.  Eventually, we are drained from giving and unable to continue providing the level of supply that a Narcissist needs.  Then the game changes and our perfect lover becomes unrecognizable.  When the roller coaster stops, we come to realize that our sense-of-self has atrophied beyond recognition. 

What tactics can you use to recover from a narcissistic relationship?  Here are some things that seem to be working for me:

1. Reach out to friends you know and trust.  Spending time them will help you to re-acquaint yourself with the person you were BEFORE you involved yourself with a Narcissist.  They can help you remember how you worked through difficulties without forfeiting all that you stood for and cared about.
2. Stop blaming yourself.  Learn from the experience what love is not and don’t doubt that you are capable of sharing real love with a person who is capable of returning it to you.
3. Get involved in your own life.  You’ve been isolated by the experience and it might seem awkward, at first, but your friends do care about you and they want you to be with them again.
4. Don’t try to explain what you do not yet understand.  The process of learning from the experience you’ve just been through takes time to interpret.  If well-meaning friends pursue a course of conversation that causes you to feel panic, tell them you aren’t ready to talk about it yet.  They’ll understand.
5. Fully experience all the emotions you are feeling as they present themselves.  Embrace them like you might embrace an injured child and hold them until you become calm again.  Each time you return to center, reward yourself for weathering the storm.
6. Most importantly, do not reach out for contact with your former partner.  Every time you consider bringing them back into your life, follow it through.  If nothing worked last time, it is insane to believe that anything will be different next time.

You haven’t lost your much-ness.  You have been suppressed by a lunatic who couldn’t see past their nothing-ness.  External validation is a pointless pursuit.  You must believe in yourself before anyone else will.  The best way to get there is to do positive things for yourself that make you feel whole again.

That’s the title of a movie that I watched again last night.  Although it is moderately amusing and the acting is very well done, there are similarities between the player’s justifications to his peer-aged lover and experiences that I had with my Narcissistic Partner are stunning. 

There were some major differences, however.  The female character, played by Diane Keaton, learned within a few weeks of falling in love that her new sweetheart was nothing more than a shameless womanizer.  The second major difference is that Jack Nicholson’s character actually experienced curiosity about the effect he had on his former lovers and sought them out in order to better understand himself. 

Of course, he had suffered an event which gave him cause to recognize his mortality… 

There was one conversation the two lovers shared that felt like it was lifted from the script of my former romance.  That scene occurred on the streets, when Diane Keaton’s character was examining the dynamics of her feelings and disappointments.  Jack Nicholson’s character endeavored to defend himself, just as my former beau had, by saying: 

“I never lied to you.  I always told you some version of the truth.” 

And, exactly like Diane Keaton’s character in the movie, my reply to that was: 

“The truth doesn’t have versions!” 

By the way, I hadn’t seen the movie yet.   

Switching gears to discuss how this dialogue relates to Narcissist people, let’s first examine the need to defend indefensible actions with justifications or rationalizations. 

It is my opinion that emotionally mature adults behave this way and know when they have done something wrong.  If their actions should cause confusion or emotional pain for another human being in their midst, they will take responsibility and apologize.  Their consequence may be that their apology is not accepted.  If it isn’t, they will experience regret. 

Narcissists are not emotionally mature people.  Their motive force is to be gain admiration and, in their twisted world, this permits doing anything necessary to diminish or pulverize those who won’t supply it.  Whether or not a narcissist resorts to physical abuse, the outcome is the same.  Narcissistic brutality is designed to create confusion and cause pain and, after the fact, a narcissist rationalizes their insane behavior by blaming their victims.  And the cycle continues until the victim realizes they are a hamster on a wheel. 

We have visceral reactions to some things.  One of them is the desire to be dealt with honestly.  Perusing online dating sites, one of the most frequent phrases you will find in anyone’s profile, male or female, is “no game players.”  Based on this observation, it seems quite clear that most people prefer to interact with straight forward people. 

If you are connected to someone who “feels” dishonest to you, and they will not talk with you about your feelings without blaming you for noticing and mentioning it, you must decide how to handle it.  I recommend distance and/or disconnecting.  Without rational discussion, there can be no resolution and Narcissists want you to feel unresolved and confused.  Take care of yourself and remember that you’re entitled to ask a question when something doesn’t feel right to you in a relationship.