As we learn more about Narcissists and NPD, we sometimes come to realize that the most recent experience we are reeling from is not the ONLY experience we’ve had in our lives.  While we can itemize the things to look out for and ways to extricate these emotional vampires from our sphere, it may be equally important to look into our own souls and discover what it is about us that continues to attract these aberrated people.  Allow me to share some observations that I’ve made about my style for your self-consideration as you continue on your own journey back to the lightness that once was your life.

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Years ago, when something easier was troubling me, I asked a mentor how I should handle my desire to renew that habit.  Their response was brief and profound.  The advice they offered was simply, “Follow it through.”  I asked what that meant.  My friend explained that I should use my memories to follow through the act of renewing that habit all the way to the point where I had decided to change the habit.

So, when you find yourself pining for your Narcissistic Ex, follow that feeling through.  Examine all of the experiences, good or bad, and follow that train of thought right up to the point where the only choice was to leave the relationship.  During that stroll down memory lane, you’ll be refreshing memories that both attract and repel you.  If you are completely honest with yourself after replaying your mental tapes, you will once again conclude that you’ve made the right decision to leave.

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Reviewing some of the search terms that got people to this site, I found this topic.  I believe it to be of general interest but not for the most obvious reasons.

I feel that it is necessary to re-cap a few facts that I’ve learned about Narcissists.  Narcissists are not easy to profile because they do not seek therapy.  Thus, they are a segment of humanity which we are becoming more aware of who cannot be easily identified.  From the comments on this blog, I’m aware that what I’m writing is hitting home, even though most of what I’ve written here is based on my own experiences and observations.

Whether or not we admit to it at the time, what each of us has experienced at the end of our relationship with a Narcissistic Partner is grief for the loss of that relationship.

The most widely accepted definition of the stages of grief has 5 stages, which I will review for you here:.

The Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial is looking past what is real with a mindset that it isn’t what you know it to be.
2. Anger is the retaliatory phase where we try to get even or feel jealousy.
3. Bargaining often begins before the actual loss.  We make deals to maintain our relationship or pray to whatever Deity we claim for resolution that will keep our lives whole and our relationship in tact.

The other day, my step daughter sent a broadcast poll question out to everyone via text message.  The question she asked was:

If you know that a man will never really excite you, should you date him anyway and try to make it work?

Not only is that the bazillion dollar question that many of us have asked ourselves, there was also another underlying question that I perceived.  You see, my step daughter has manifested a pattern of not-so-good choices in men.  She’s a grown woman.  I make no judgments about how she lives her life.  I only want her to find happiness, like most mothers do.

I’ve developed kind of a habit of listing to National Public Radio on Sundays.   During the course of the day, I overheard an interview with a graduate student that piqued my interest.  Her research revealed that babies as young as 3-months old preferred the toys who had exhibited better character.  Allow me to explain, for this may seem a little abstract.

This young woman basically played with babies by performing little skits using toys.  Her observations were that, once the play was finished, the babies preferred the toys who had been “nice”during playtime.  When asked how she knew how the baby was reacting to character rather than a preferred color, she explained that she would use two stuffed toys of different colors in multiple experiments with different children.  In spite of the color of the toy, infants predominantly chose the “nice” toy over the one whose part in the play had been “mean.”

There was an interesting question asked in the new Alice in Wonderland movie.  As the uncertain Alice encountered the Mad Hatter, he was disappointed by her fear and said, “You used to be much more … you’ve lost your much-ness!”  The silly wording of the statement caused a smile but the profundity of the statement wasn’t lost on me.

Many of my readers talk of their own disbelief with themselves.  Every time I read a comment like that, it breaks my heart again.  There is not an adequate explanation for the things we have chosen to change about ourselves in order to maintain a relationship with a Narcissist and no way to describe the after effects to people who haven’t dealt with an NPD.  As many of us have learned through experience, the relationship we thought was love was not what it seemed.