I’ve developed kind of a habit of listing to National Public Radio on Sundays.   During the course of the day, I overheard an interview with a graduate student that piqued my interest.  Her research revealed that babies as young as 3-months old preferred the toys who had exhibited better character.  Allow me to explain, for this may seem a little abstract.

This young woman basically played with babies by performing little skits using toys.  Her observations were that, once the play was finished, the babies preferred the toys who had been “nice”during playtime.  When asked how she knew how the baby was reacting to character rather than a preferred color, she explained that she would use two stuffed toys of different colors in multiple experiments with different children.  In spite of the color of the toy, infants predominantly chose the “nice” toy over the one whose part in the play had been “mean.”

Implicit in this research is that humans are born with the ability to choose friends by character attributes and that we are able to employ this judgment before we can even sit up.  So, if this is the case, why is it that we choose “bad boys” over good guys, nine times out of ten?

Reflecting on my former narcissistic partner, I realize that he came off as a good guy.  He was charming towards everyone so, when the proverbial crap hit the fan and I explained what had happened to others who knew him, no one believed it.  This, of course, created self-doubt.

Creating dependency that leads to self-doubt seems to be part and parcel of a Narcissist’s method for keeping their prey stuck in the game.  Goodness knows they excel at that.  At times, it still galls me that I allowed myself to get snared by a man like my narcissistic ex but I’ve mostly forgiven myself. 

Everything became so much clearer when distance from him provided room for honest introspection about his behavior.  Oddly, he didn’t appeal to me at all in the first 30 seconds of our meeting.  It was his charm, his quirky sense of humor, that intrigued me enough to want to learn more.  Something else that I realized after time away from him was that he employed Narcissistic tactics within the first two weeks of our so-called relationship. 

Truthfully, I do still dwell in self-doubt about my ability to choose a good partner.  Although I’ve been in long-term relationships that didn’t end as badly as the last one, none have lasted.  A lyric heard in a Wailin’ Jennys tune pretty much explains my attitude about  this:

There’s no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we’ll find it through the good and bad
Trust me I’ve been looking
But tonight I think I’ll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I’ll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn’t matter if you find it
And who’s to say that even if I did
it’s what I’m really looking for

It’s a long and rugged road
and we don’t now where it’s headed
But we know it’s going to get us where we’re going
And when we find what we’re looking for
we’ll drop these bags and search no more
”cause it’s going to feel like heaven when we’re home
It’s going to feel like heaven when we’re home

The Wailin’ Jennys are AWESOME, by the way.  Here is a link if you’d like to by the CD with this song on it.  It is worth the purchase!

There was an interesting question asked in the new Alice in Wonderland movie.  As the uncertain Alice encountered the Mad Hatter, he was disappointed by her fear and said, “You used to be much more … you’ve lost your much-ness!”  The silly wording of the statement caused a smile but the profundity of the statement wasn’t lost on me.

Many of my readers talk of their own disbelief with themselves.  Every time I read a comment like that, it breaks my heart again.  There is not an adequate explanation for the things we have chosen to change about ourselves in order to maintain a relationship with a Narcissist and no way to describe the after effects to people who haven’t dealt with an NPD.  As many of us have learned through experience, the relationship we thought was love was not what it seemed. 

It isn’t inherently wrong to want to give anything to a partner.  Perhaps our overlooking the fact that the giving was so one-sided was our biggest fault.  In all relationships, there must be give and take or the giver gets worn out. 

When you are involved with a Narcissist, this equation is give … and give some more.  Eventually, we are drained from giving and unable to continue providing the level of supply that a Narcissist needs.  Then the game changes and our perfect lover becomes unrecognizable.  When the roller coaster stops, we come to realize that our sense-of-self has atrophied beyond recognition. 

What tactics can you use to recover from a narcissistic relationship?  Here are some things that seem to be working for me:

1. Reach out to friends you know and trust.  Spending time them will help you to re-acquaint yourself with the person you were BEFORE you involved yourself with a Narcissist.  They can help you remember how you worked through difficulties without forfeiting all that you stood for and cared about.
2. Stop blaming yourself.  Learn from the experience what love is not and don’t doubt that you are capable of sharing real love with a person who is capable of returning it to you.
3. Get involved in your own life.  You’ve been isolated by the experience and it might seem awkward, at first, but your friends do care about you and they want you to be with them again.
4. Don’t try to explain what you do not yet understand.  The process of learning from the experience you’ve just been through takes time to interpret.  If well-meaning friends pursue a course of conversation that causes you to feel panic, tell them you aren’t ready to talk about it yet.  They’ll understand.
5. Fully experience all the emotions you are feeling as they present themselves.  Embrace them like you might embrace an injured child and hold them until you become calm again.  Each time you return to center, reward yourself for weathering the storm.
6. Most importantly, do not reach out for contact with your former partner.  Every time you consider bringing them back into your life, follow it through.  If nothing worked last time, it is insane to believe that anything will be different next time.

You haven’t lost your much-ness.  You have been suppressed by a lunatic who couldn’t see past their nothing-ness.  External validation is a pointless pursuit.  You must believe in yourself before anyone else will.  The best way to get there is to do positive things for yourself that make you feel whole again.

I visited the San Diego Zoo for my birthday this year.  While my friend and I were looking on at the Flamingos, something unusual happened.  All of their heads shot up at once.  Their alarm was obvious.  I commented to my friend that their behavior was strange as they began to squawk and pace about in their habitat.

My friend suggested that it might be their feeding time so we meandered up the path a bit and stood on a small bridge over where their food would be delivered.  When my friend answered that the bridge didn’t normally sway, I knew we were in an earthquake.  It was a fairly sizable one, at that, and it lasted for nearly a minute.

The earthquake wasn’t destructive, here in San Diego, but a 7.2 quake is not trivial.  I couldn’t help remembering some of my writings about my narcissistic encounter.  I described it as being at the epicenter of a significant  earthquake. 

As the day continued, I pondered the heightened awareness to danger that the birds possessed.  Their instincts are honed for survival.

If my university psychology text was accurate, the only instinct humans are born with is the fear of falling.  Everything else, we must learn.  Wouldn’t it be nice if we were born with instincts that allowed us to sense the danger of proximity to a Narcissist?

From experience and through analysis after the fact, my awareness about Narcissistic behavior has been elevated.  My main tests are these:

1. Does the person constantly seek to be the center of attention or demand respect they haven’t earned?
2. Do they always need to be right?
3. Do they resort to non-specific accusations when they aren’t getting what they want?
4. Do they use verbal force when their opinions are opposed?
5. Do they excuse  their bad behavior without apologizing or taking responsibility?
6. Do they consistently avoid answering direct questions directly?
7. Does my stomach churn after interacting with them?

My list isn’t scientific, by any means, but if it helps one of my readers to identify something that they may have been missing, I’m glad.  There is little data available about Narcissists because they do not seek to be cured.  Those who have been involved with a Narcissist are the ones who wind up in therapy.

The Holiday blahs have certainly affected me today.  There was a season when hope was still in my vocabulary and all things seemed possible.  At the time, I had no idea it was a false promise from a Narcissist.

Love is what we are told we need.  Attachment is the downfall of loving, I guess.  But I don’t know how one thing works without the other … and I’ve never seen both work together.  The paradox of that confounds me.

In the movie, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, there was technology that wiped out the memories of love.  I sometimes wish that it existed.  But I have discovered another clue into why my soul cannot seem to leave the horror of my abusive partner’s betrayal behind.  I’m quite certain that he would be entirely off my radar by now if I had not been so traumatized by him.

Yet, as I write that, I wonder if it is an excuse for not giving love another try.  Intellectually, I am aware that I’m terrified of being hurt again.  Emotionally, I’m weary of not having that special connection in my life. 

Is it worth it … to have your own happiness so contingent on another being?  That is the million dollar question.

All the holiday commercials on TV this time of year sometimes serve as a rancid reminder about emotions that I once felt.  The illusion of love propagated by our culture is designed to make us want it but, what is it?

When my former beau reached for me, the anticipation of his touch was like an electrical arc charging the air.  Every smile, kiss and impassioned embrace that I shared with him was, to me, an expression of my love for him.  For him, a Narcissist and serial dater, it apparently was some game that he played to prove to himself that he had the ability to amuse, seduce and sexually satisfy a woman.

It could be that the most honest statement he ever made to me was when he confessed, at age 53, that he felt his greatest life’s accomplishment was that he was good at sex.  At the time, he seemed sad about his realization so I tried to encourage him to look at other things that I felt he had accomplished.  It is a female’s nature to nurture. 

Over the course of time since the day of my mother’s funeral on June 3, 2006, when his personality defect became obvious, I’ve come to the realization that he had no bona fide human relationship skills outside of the bedroom.  Ultimately, I’ve evaluated him as being a child in a man’s body, treating every woman, including me, like some toy he had been given to play with until he grew bored with it or broke it … and this man broke a lot of toys before he stopped his serial dating game.

His spontaneity and curious nature intrigued me at first.  I never knew what he was going to do or say next and there were a lot of laughs as a result.  But there also was a lot of confusion at his radical shifts in mood.  My discomfort with his inconsistencies led to an intense debate about his emotional maturity.  Because my heart had already chosen to love him by then, and love is irrational, I rationalized my concerns away by declaring to myself that there was a difference between being child-like and childish, or that our misunderstanding was my fault. 

One thing is certain, being in a relationship with an emotionally immature Narcissist is a losing game. 

My former beau displayed the emotional maturity of a 2-year old when I confronted him with his lies at the end.  It was stunning to behold.  Like a child, he took no responsibility for anything.  He tried convincing me that he had broken up with me months before, which was incongruent with the facts … especially in light of the reality he had been in my bed, making love to me, and telling me how much he valued and loved me less than a week before that time.

For nearly a year after the break-up, we stayed in constant communication in email.  For me, it was an attempt to understand him.  The closest thing that I got to an apology from him as an admission that he hadn’t realized what a “large ass” he was capable of being.  Yet, his statements were non-specific so I don’t know if he was talking about his behavior with me or someone else.  Either way, it was insufficient.  To date, I haven’t found a way to forgive him … and I’m not sure it is required.

My life is very peaceful now, in spite of the reality that the definition of love has eluded me.  During the holidays, we are reminded often that we should feel peace and love for all mankind.  I extend these feelings to human beings but not to my Narcissistic and former friend, for I do not consider sociopaths to be part of the human race.

That’s the title of a movie that I watched again last night.  Although it is moderately amusing and the acting is very well done, there are similarities between the player’s justifications to his peer-aged lover and experiences that I had with my Narcissistic Partner are stunning. 

There were some major differences, however.  The female character, played by Diane Keaton, learned within a few weeks of falling in love that her new sweetheart was nothing more than a shameless womanizer.  The second major difference is that Jack Nicholson’s character actually experienced curiosity about the effect he had on his former lovers and sought them out in order to better understand himself. 

Of course, he had suffered an event which gave him cause to recognize his mortality… 

There was one conversation the two lovers shared that felt like it was lifted from the script of my former romance.  That scene occurred on the streets, when Diane Keaton’s character was examining the dynamics of her feelings and disappointments.  Jack Nicholson’s character endeavored to defend himself, just as my former beau had, by saying: 

“I never lied to you.  I always told you some version of the truth.” 

And, exactly like Diane Keaton’s character in the movie, my reply to that was: 

“The truth doesn’t have versions!” 

By the way, I hadn’t seen the movie yet.   

Switching gears to discuss how this dialogue relates to Narcissist people, let’s first examine the need to defend indefensible actions with justifications or rationalizations. 

It is my opinion that emotionally mature adults behave this way and know when they have done something wrong.  If their actions should cause confusion or emotional pain for another human being in their midst, they will take responsibility and apologize.  Their consequence may be that their apology is not accepted.  If it isn’t, they will experience regret. 

Narcissists are not emotionally mature people.  Their motive force is to be gain admiration and, in their twisted world, this permits doing anything necessary to diminish or pulverize those who won’t supply it.  Whether or not a narcissist resorts to physical abuse, the outcome is the same.  Narcissistic brutality is designed to create confusion and cause pain and, after the fact, a narcissist rationalizes their insane behavior by blaming their victims.  And the cycle continues until the victim realizes they are a hamster on a wheel. 

We have visceral reactions to some things.  One of them is the desire to be dealt with honestly.  Perusing online dating sites, one of the most frequent phrases you will find in anyone’s profile, male or female, is “no game players.”  Based on this observation, it seems quite clear that most people prefer to interact with straight forward people. 

If you are connected to someone who “feels” dishonest to you, and they will not talk with you about your feelings without blaming you for noticing and mentioning it, you must decide how to handle it.  I recommend distance and/or disconnecting.  Without rational discussion, there can be no resolution and Narcissists want you to feel unresolved and confused.  Take care of yourself and remember that you’re entitled to ask a question when something doesn’t feel right to you in a relationship.

While returning from an outing with my San Diego family last month, I marveled at the full moon which glowed like a beacon from above.  I was a passenger, so staring at the orb was not a safety hazard.

I began singing the same song that always comes to mind when I’m looking at a full moon.  When I was asked what song it was that I was singing, I drifted back in time to a quiet country road in Wisconsin where I rode along gazing at a similarly impressive moon and sang that same song during easier times.  Like my fellow passengers tonight, my former beau had inquired about the song they had never heard before.

Music has marked every major event in my life and music was a big part of the interactions that I shared with my Narcissistic Partner.  I always found it odd that he would sing only music that he had created.  His rationale was that he didn’t like being an audience.  I guess that would fit into the profile for a Narcissist.  They like to be the show.

Honestly, I know my life was changed by that relationship.  Now, three years after the event of his ultimate betrayal, I am much stronger … though not at all trusting.  The greatest benefit that I received from my close encounter with a dangerous personality was to learn how to identify the attributes of Narcissism in other people.

These attributes are pretty well documented but the most important thing to pay attention to is your own instincts.  If something “feels” wrong, it probably is wrong for you.  While Love causes us to want to believe we are mistaken about our negative feelings, remaining in a relationship where you are expected to bend to your partner’s will all the time is not healthy and will sap your energy.  We only have so much energy to give, after all.

This past month, I met someone in my area who wanted to be my friend.  This person was of the opposite sex.  We agreed to head out to the beach for a walk.    Within minutes of our drive, I realized that the fellow, though well-meaning, was very controlling.  It was a gut instinct and, once I recognized it, there was no question in my mind that I didn’t want to be around him.

I suppose true romantics are less cautious than those of us who have been affected by a relationship with a Narcissist.  I remember believing in Love at first site, and seeing only the the best of people … of him … in spite my gut instincts based on observations over time. 

Idly, I ponder whether or not I will ever fully heal from that past adventure and learn to trust Love again.

Here comes another day, fraught with memories that comprise a most massive disappointment of my life for a thousand reasons and simultaneously for no reason at all.  My mother, who lived a full life, died two years ago on May 26th.  June 3rd marks the anniversary of her funeral, and another siginificant event in my life … the day my Narcissist chose to end our relationship.

 I don’t know what to think about that event.  I’ve garnered many opinions from others, yet I keep my own counsel on the matter.  A part of me wants to empathize with the stress my Narcissistic lover might have been under but another part of me wants to believe the words of those who also knew him then.  As he is a coward and will not speak of the event with me, his point of view remains hidden.

He came forwards as a hero on the day my mother fell into a coma.  He was at the hospital with me, being everything I dreamed a lover would be at such a time.  We spent hours on the phone talking over things as my mother’s condition worsened.  It is impossible to forget the angelic glow of white that surrounded him as he soothed her dying body in the hospital bed.   At face value, he was perfect in that role. 

The day Mom died, as he walked away from my car to go back to what he referred to as work, he claimed he felt free.  The tone of our conversations on the phone, the week after her death, took on a different tone.  He bagan to tell me my calls were intrusive but he never explained why.  The day of Mom’s funeral, when he came through my door nearly an hour late, unshaven and unshowered wearing clothes that looked as if they had been slept in, I felt the storm he brought with him.  I knew I was in danger with him that day but I had no where else to turn.

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In a recent discussion, a friend of mine opined about my Narcissist. I heard myself saying that, if he was such a loser, why did his life appear to be going along so much better than mine. And, since saying that, I’ve heard a similar thought from another soul who reads my blog. They opined that the good guys do finish last. I have to say, this resonated with me. So the question of the day is: What is success?

It’s plain in retrospect my Narcissist is a thoughtless and empty shell whose only concern is his own satisfaction and gain at any cost. Clearly, this has worked for him all his life. Even though it seemed unconventional given his age when we met, he explained that he lived off his parents because he was an artist and inventor. I later learned he established relationships with women in his youth so he could live rent free which made me feel uncomfortable.

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One of my subscribers has been in correspondence with me over the past several days. As I’ve read these notes, I’ve been reminded of how much havoc can be wreaked by a Narcissist. During one of the notes, they described a feeling of having a crushed soul.

For my subscribers, and especially for the subscriber with whom I’ve been exchanging email recently, I am posting a poem entitled Waves  which I wrote at the beginning of the beginning of my roller coastr ride through hell.

There is no easy way to end a relationship when one partner wants it to continue but Narcissists do have a way of crushing your spirit. A Narcissist is incapable of empathy. Only their feelings matter to them and if you try to make them care about yours, you only are giving them weapons to use as they destroy you.

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