Attracted to the Bad Boys?
I’ve developed kind of a habit of listing to National Public Radio on Sundays. During the course of the day, I overheard an interview with a graduate student that piqued my interest. Her research revealed that babies as young as 3-months old preferred the toys who had exhibited better character. Allow me to explain, for this may seem a little abstract.
This young woman basically played with babies by performing little skits using toys. Her observations were that, once the play was finished, the babies preferred the toys who had been “nice”during playtime. When asked how she knew how the baby was reacting to character rather than a preferred color, she explained that she would use two stuffed toys of different colors in multiple experiments with different children. In spite of the color of the toy, infants predominantly chose the “nice” toy over the one whose part in the play had been “mean.”
Implicit in this research is that humans are born with the ability to choose friends by character attributes and that we are able to employ this judgment before we can even sit up. So, if this is the case, why is it that we choose “bad boys” over good guys, nine times out of ten?
Reflecting on my former narcissistic partner, I realize that he came off as a good guy. He was charming towards everyone so, when the proverbial crap hit the fan and I explained what had happened to others who knew him, no one believed it. This, of course, created self-doubt.
Creating dependency that leads to self-doubt seems to be part and parcel of a Narcissist’s method for keeping their prey stuck in the game. Goodness knows they excel at that. At times, it still galls me that I allowed myself to get snared by a man like my narcissistic ex but I’ve mostly forgiven myself.
Everything became so much clearer when distance from him provided room for honest introspection about his behavior. Oddly, he didn’t appeal to me at all in the first 30 seconds of our meeting. It was his charm, his quirky sense of humor, that intrigued me enough to want to learn more. Something else that I realized after time away from him was that he employed Narcissistic tactics within the first two weeks of our so-called relationship.
Truthfully, I do still dwell in self-doubt about my ability to choose a good partner. Although I’ve been in long-term relationships that didn’t end as badly as the last one, none have lasted. A lyric heard in a Wailin’ Jennys tune pretty much explains my attitude about this:
There’s no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we’ll find it through the good and bad
Trust me I’ve been looking
But tonight I think I’ll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I’ll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn’t matter if you find it
And who’s to say that even if I did
it’s what I’m really looking forIt’s a long and rugged road
and we don’t now where it’s headed
But we know it’s going to get us where we’re going
And when we find what we’re looking for
we’ll drop these bags and search no more
”cause it’s going to feel like heaven when we’re home
It’s going to feel like heaven when we’re home
The Wailin’ Jennys are AWESOME, by the way. Here is a link if you’d like to by the CD with this song on it. It is worth the purchase!
Hi Phoenix, I stumbled upon your website a couple days ago…and I admire your strength so much. By offering your insight & resources, you are helping so many people like myself who are working hard to recover in the wake of a destructive relationship – and breakup – with a Narcissistic ex.
I spent almost 10 years with my N, and the time with him had the typical earmarks…some physical abuse (it stopped after jail time), plenty of emotional abuse, brainwashing, threats, valuing/devaluing, using (he lived with me for several years without paying rent, but spent most of his money on toys and his own stuff)…the common denominator is my own blindness & stupidity for enabling him for so long, and believing his charming words & promises that he would change. A couple years ago, I finally stood up for myself, forced him out of my place, and set boundaries…he finally got his own place & had to be more responsible for himself, but this in turn made him angry & resentful towards me. I wasn’t the girl who pleased him as much anymore. The relationship finally ended about 8 months ago. Not surprisingly in hindsight, he pulled all the seductive stops to lure me back in – and right when I fell for him again (out of my own codependency & weakness, of course) – he suddenly (and conveniently) left me for his coworker (citing that she gives him attention), while still saying that I’m “the one” for him and that he still loves me. Utterly confusing…yet the mind game/control is pretty obvious. I’ve since cut contact with him – but admittedly, the words & the lies still keep you locked to a degree. You’re left with such polar memories of someone you loved & believed loved you back. They’re that convincingly charming & ruthless. One of the hardest mental obstacles I’ve been trying to overcome is grasping the idea that he moved on so swiftly & effortlessly…as if nothing ever happened…these people can sleep very well, while their ex-partners still toss & turn at night. Since he left me at a time in his life where he finally got his own place & a steady job, it’s painful to see that all of the invested hopes that I had in him is being handed over to someone else. He gets to don his perfect mask once again, and gets to share this clean slate with someone else – as if it’s my loss that I’m not with him (he made it a point to brag about how great he’s doing in our last conversation). Your article on “What is Success?” particularly resonates with me at this time…I’m fighting hard to keep my own bitterness & petty thoughts under control.
I’ve also recently come to the realization that closure will not come from him – because they simply don’t care about your feelings & want to keep the door slightly ajar – and that closure can only come from deep within ourselves. We have to take responsibility for our own lives…moving on as survivors, not victims. That’s why your site is so helpful. Many well-meaning people who have never been deeply involved with a Narcissist may not fully understand the confusing, cult-like effect of being in this type of relationship. I’ve learned so much about him & myself in the course of recovery. Just feeling that I can relate to so many of your beautifully written passages is calming, reassuring, and therapeutic to say the least.
Do you conduct any seminars or local support groups by chance? If so, I would be very interested. If you have any info regarding this, I can be reached at the email address that I submitted to post this comment.
Thank you again & all the very best to you.
Hello Viv,
What a wonderful intro you’ve written. You sound very brave yourself.
Four years away from the proverbial epicenter, I still am restless for these reasons you cited in your post:
Your closing realization is totally accurate. We do have to come back to our own center of balance and recognize that completion of the cycle is ours to create.
I’m humbled by your praise. I honestly have thought about growing this site into a safe place where each of us who has been affected by a Narcissist can learn how to heal from each other. Webinars and other trainings are not out of the question and the longer term goal is to organize everything into a book. I have mounds of materials.
I will write you an email so we can discuss this further.
Hi Phoenix,
Thank you so much for your kind reply! Again, it’s wonderful to be able to connect with people who have endured similar experiences, as a way to cope, move on, and support each other. Your site is a real blessing.
I certainly look forward to corresponding with you further, if and when you have the time.
Thank you again & here’s to a speedy, healthy recovery for all of us!
Hi Viv,
I’m glad you’re interested in seeing a forum here. I will write to you via email next wee … promise!